Heat

Dry as a bone

Comfortable as a throne

Made of stone

Humid and sweaty

But cold I am not

The weather has become

Unbearably hot

Plants are wilting

The cat is tilting

As it lounges about in

the heat

My shirt is all damp

I smell like a tramp

And the heat haze shimmers

on the road

But it wont last forever

Because heat waves

They never

Go on for too long over here

But lo! What’s the matter?

A crash

A flash

A patter

Of rain

On the conservatory roof

The rain it rushes

Through the gutter it gushes

And gone in an instant

The heat

The Binmen

Here come the men to take

Away the rubbish that I make

The clutter I want tossed onto the heap

In orange bibs they’re dressed

Slung casual o’er their vest

With Daventry District Council

Writ ‘cross their van

They make an awful racket

But take home a tidy packet

To spend on treats and holidays abroad

They hoist up the bins

Onto the lorry’s rear pins

Which empties their contents

In to the void

In will go the shoes

The empty bottles of booze

The boxes and detritus from the sink

The mouldy old kipper

A half chewed slipper

And all the things that really

Start to stink

Then down the street they’ll go

In rain or sleet or snow

And take away the waste from the house

The truck gets emptied out

The socks, the box and trout

To end their days as debris

In the ground

The Office Goblin (A Poem)

I am the office goblin

I live under your desk

I eat up all your paper clips

And I like to look grotesque

I pinch and hide your stapler

I break your pencil tips

I move your paperwork about

And snaffle bulldog clips

I am he that Wipes your white board

He that alters your chair

Deleting important computer files

Especially when you’re not there

I leave crusty bits in your collegues mug

And push the blame on you

Put finger marks on your monitor

And leave the lids off glue

I am the office goblin

Treat me good and right

Keep a look out for me

When you head off home tonight

Train

I can hear the rumble

Of metal on track

A far off tumble

As wheels clack

The ticket office closed

In 1982

Thrown out with lost property

A glove and a shoe

I wait on the platform

And look down the line

Your train is delayed

But I am on time

Passengers stare

They don’t say hello

But that’s because me

They, they don’t know

I see the lights distant

Your train it is here

I’m so glad you’re back home with me

My dear

Cat (A poem)

Cat! Cat!

What are you doing?

You’re in a carrier bag

You best not be pooing

Cat! Cat!

Get out of there

I need that bag

For my underwear

Cat! Cat!

You soft black brute

How can I be angry

When you are so cute?

Today

Nothing to see - A poem by Stegzy Gnomepants




No Giant bats


Nor Mutant cats


or Flying mats


Nothing much has happened




There's been no riots


To disturb the quiets


Nor changes in diets


Nothing much has happened




It's deadly boring


You can hear me snoring


We're getting some flooring


On Tuesday




But until then


I'll write again


But only when


Something happens.

Poo Hem

Gravy - A devotion to food by Stegzy Gnomepants





Gravy


Gravy


Give me a mouthful do


I'm all cravey


Love for that hot brown goo


I'd drink it from a tub


They should sell it at the pub


With lumps and bits


I'd rub it on my tits


Just a jugful of gravy ooooh

The Man in the window

The Man in the Window (The Tree Part II) - A crap poem by T'gnomepants





Hello


Can you see


Hello


Look at me


Hello


I've got birds in my arms


Hello


Look at my charms


Hello


I'm a bit chilly


Hello


I'm brown and look silly


Hello


I'm the tree


Hello


With wavy about arms


Oh


The wind has calmed

More dreadful poetry

The Tree - Another bloody awful poem by Stegzy Gnomepants (aged 34 and a half)




I see you waving


At me through the window pale


Across the crazy paving


I see your arms flail




With every breath of air


And every shake of wind


You wave and I despair


Like tuna, old and tinned




You cast off your raiment


From October to March


I'm going to demand payment


Your frame containeth starch




You are the tree


Majestic bold and boughed


Waving branches at me


Green and brown and proud

The Postman

Here comes the postman


Walking down the lane


What wonders he carries in his sack


Multicoloured envelopes


Brown and even plain




Giros and Postal orders


Parcels and bills


Repeat prescriptions for next door


So they can get their pills




Letters from the bank


Letters from afar


Subscriptions to magazines


Offers for a car




Bulging with all that weight


There must be something for me


That I can sit and open


And read with a cup of tea




He's drawing ever closer


With parcels for next door


It won't be long until I hear


Some letters on the floor




But wait! Please stop


There's some mistake


You've missed my door


You postal snake




You've missed me out


Where's my mail?


I scream and shout


Till I go pale




Still there's always tomorrow.

Eyes - A poem by Stegzy Gnomepants

I see you looking up at me


Your eyes unblinking


I cut you into wedges


Into hot boiling water, sinking


For the crimes you've committed


And the sins you've made


After the fork


And before the spade


And when you're soft


But not quite cooked


I pop you into the oven


Ha ha! Now you're fucked


180 degrees


Two thousand seconds


Until you crisp up


My plate it beckons


And as your dead eyes


Stare up at me


I coat you with condiments


Sodium free


It serves you right


You evil spud


But I have to admit


You do taste quite good.




Ah thankyou.

Bath time - A poem by Stegzy Gnomepants

Turn the tap on


Let the water out


Put the plug in


It's too hot so shout




Wait for the tub


To fill to half


Then add the cold


It's time for your bath




Mix in the bubbles


Ready the flannel


But don't lean to hard


On the baths side panel




In with the toe


Is it too hot?


Did you take off your sock?


No! I thought not




Strip to your skin


Step into the bath


Clean behind your ears


Splish splash and laugh




And when it's gone cold


And you're wrinkled like a prune


Its time to get out


Until your next bath in June




Ah thank you

Poem

I am Cinderella


Moping the floor


Vacuuming the dust


Of life


I make the bed


The cats


Sure they're fed


The compost bin empty


I Scrub the tiles


Fill the dishwasher


Noughties man


Complete with smiles


You come home


And find something I've missed


A fault, a mistake


You write up a list


So I am Cinderella


My car a coach of mice


But at least I think the house


Is tidy


Clean and nice.

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Poem

Seven days seem so far away


Seven nights too long


When I was younger time seemed to drag


Like the knuckles of King Kong


But now time seems to go too fast


When spent like mercuric sand


Though seven days is far away


I know the time's at hand

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Slightly improved poetry by Stegzy Gnomepants.

Hunger




Stop your incessant whining


You furry mosquito


You're pestering me for food or drink


Or maybe a burrito




You're prowling round the room


Yipping and yowling


You jump up on my desk


When pushed off you start growling




You are an impatient cat


You've only just been fed


It's not your tea for quite some time


So go curl up on t' bed




You're nudging my hand


You're tripping up my feet


Oh for fuck sake you annoying cat


Here! Have a plate of meat.

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Custard - A poem by Stegalopolis Gnomopantalon

Custard




Yellow and gloopy


Yellow and runny


Yellow and lumpy


Yellow and funny


Custard I love you


Custard you're great


Hot in a bowl


Cold on a plate


I like you with pie


I like you quite thick


I like you with jelly


Though some think that sick


But custard oh custard


You yellowly majestic confection


I love you so much


You give me an erection infection

Other poems by the same author

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A poem by Stegzy Gnomepants aged 34 & 1/3

You lie on your back


Stretch yourself thin


You turn back your head


I tickle your chin




You lie on the bed


Pretending to sleep


Curled up tight


A soft little heap




I open a tin


You rush to my side


The toffees and chocolates


I just can't hide




You brush up against me


Or play with my lace


Nuzzle your nose


Into my face




For you are a tiger


Or so you might think


You're really a puss cat


Curled up in the sink




Ah thankyou.

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Bacon - a poem by t'Gnomepants

Bacon




Crispy


Frying


Fat soaked


Goodness


Sizzling


In a pan




Flip it


Over


Cooking


Aroma


Permeates


The room




Sandwiched


Betwixt


Two


Slices


Of bread




Garnished


Atop


Salad Cream






Ah thankyou

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Rhubarb - A Crap Poem by Stegzy Gnomepants (poet laureate)

Rhubarb


Oh Rhubarb!


Let me hold thee by the stem


Let me experience your aroma


Let me behold your magnificence


For it is thee that tempts me


With custard


Not Mustard


But yea spices such as nutmeg


Or with cream


Long, pink, slender stems


Droopy green parasol leaf


Lightly stewed


Served with beef


Rhubarb! Oh Rhubarb!

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