Tuesday 13 July 2004


As I was driving to work this morning I noticed that for one particular street it was Bin Day (when the bins get emptied you know?). Anyway, I was struck by how few recycling bins there were. Sure there was a few, here and there, but there was a hell of a lot more people who still dont recycle.

Of course some of them might already recycle and take their recycling to the recycling centre on a weekend or something but still that wouldnt account for the over flowing wheelie bins that were awaiting collection. This gets my goat up.

In my house we have been recycling for over 7 years (doorstep recycling collections only started last year) and we would make a special effort to wash and separate our glass bottles and paper, take them to Asda or Tesco and put them in the proper boxes. It brought us great joy and made us feel like we were actually doing something constructive for the future of the planet.

My mum and dad used to only keep the newspapers for recycling but now they do everything (after Clopper and I gave them a lecture on the environment) and the same goes for most of our friends. But still there is a mentality to just chuck everything into one bin and be done with it.

My neighbours are one of the worst culprits. They live in a massive house (4 bedrooms, a conservatory and a converted garage) yet there is only Mr Fathead (in his mid 30's I imagine), Mrs Fathead (mid to late twenties), little fathead (about 3ish), Fido Fathead (the dog which is allowed to poo all over their back garden) and babyfathead (less than 18months). Yet they have 2 bins (both for general crap and unsorted trash both of which are over flowing come bin day) and sometimes they even put out an extra bag of rubbish. When they moved in they threw out a TV set which sat festering in its cardboard box for 6 months and in April he dropped a glass bottle he was putting into his bin and the broken shards of glass have still to be cleaned up from the path. Fucking lazy arse hole he is. I'm not being a snob but there is only two of us in my house (and the two cats) yet we get embarrased if our bin lid wont shut!

We have 3 bins, a blue one for garden waste, a green box for recycling (both of which are collected on a bi monthly basis) and our normal house hold shite bin for non recyclalblelelebubble schtuff. The blue bin is barely filled, the green box (because of hungry feline cohabitees) tends to be slightly top heavy but our normal bin, which gets put out every week, is only half full at best!

What is wrong with them? Didnt they live through the 80's/90's green revolution? Did they not pay attention in class when the teacher talked about environmental issues and landfill sites?? Or are they just down right ignorant buggers that need a fucking good bellow at?? But then thinking about it we are the only house with a blue bin and also tend to be the only house that puts out the green bin every two weeks.

I suppose I gotta live with the fact that we can't all be perfect......

Friday 9 July 2004

Poverty Corner and grannies - A whinge

Sometimes I can be a complete snob.

Sorry. But I can be. I dont mean to be. I think its something to do with my upbringing. (I'm the true heir to the throne of England you know*)

Anyway, I was reading on another journal about how people tend to swarm when they see or hear the words "FREE" and "FOOD" and gorge themselves silly. Anyway, it brought to mind a phenomenon in Supermarkets in Liverpool [I don't have that much experience of supermarkets out of the city I live in only because when I go away the last thing I want to do is grocery shopping, unless of course its at Waitrose but thats understandable]. So feel free to let me know if this is just a localised thing.

Anywotsits, in the supermarkets I've been to they tend to have two places, one in a chiller cabinet and one in an ordinary shelf where the supermarket tries to flog off its damaged or close to sell by date but still edible/usable stock for well below the price. You know what I mean it usually turns out to be something that you would never eat anyway like badger paté or kipper cordial or marmite or something.


Pristene packets of sliced ham say £2.00 compared to dog eared, shiney slimey ham that someone got from the deli counter then left amongst the cereals for 10p

At certain times of day you can see swarms of pensioners, students and bargain hunters congregating around these parts of the supermarket awaiting the arrival of the next batch of soiled goods.

Now I'm not saying its a bad thing, it isn't, when I was unemployed I would battle my way through the throngs to get my crushed shortbread biscuits, I'm just pointing out what an amusing sight it is to see hordes of grannies fighting over unpleasant looking duck liver paté for 10p. It's as if all human decency and manners go out of the window as hair is pulled, groins are elbowed and toes trod on. I suppose after all we are all just animals in a base and primal way.

While Im on the subject of grannies. I dont know whether its the same in the states (you'll notice I have this fascination with cultural differences which one day I may expand on), but is it me or are pensioners today inconsiderate, rude and ill-mannered?

When I was a kid :-

Grannies :- Awww hasnt he got lovely curly hair. Awww bless. Have some sweeties!

Me :-


Grannies:- Out of the way!

Me:- oooof!

Pensioners today seem to be very rude, they push to the front of queues, hit you with their walking sticks, smell of wee and never smile. They never say "Thank you deary" anymore, nor do they ask "Would you like some sweeties?". They don't even have blue rinses, drink tea or bake biscuits.

Whereas pensioners less than 20 years ago were lovely sweet dears with blue hair. They would let you get on the bus first, (or at least offer to which you would politely say "No after you" and you would help them on the bus), they'd invite you in for cups of tea and biscuits, talk about the war and share tales of their youth (Normally starting with the immortal phrase "In my day..."). They would smell of lavender or brut 33, smile with big false teeth smiles and ruffle your curly hair (if you were as unfortunate as me to have curly hair).

When did it go wrong?? I used to hear the cry "Kids today!" but more and more so these days I hear "Pensioners today! They have no manners!!"

My grandparents taught me manners and how to be polite (along with my parents of course), my gran taught me to be the gentleman I am today (I still hold open doors for people of all ages though I tend to let them go in ungrateful peoples faces if they dont say thankyou) and my grandparents were lovely old people full of joy and spirit. Yet it appears that some of todays are being stripped of decency and being taught the ways of the world by rude, obnoxious, piss-smelling biddies.....is it no wonder theres few polite people in the world??....

*= May not be true

Thursday 8 July 2004

Metric v Imperial

The Today program on BBC Radio 4 had an interesting article this morning about how the UK still works in imperial (yards, pounds, inches etc) despite moves by the European Parliament to put us in line with the rest of the world using metric (centimetres, grams etc).

What I think is "Why should it matter?!"

I was taught, as with most children born in 1973, in the metric system which is fine and splendidilyumptuos as the imperial system is too weird and complex. However the following does not happen:-

Me - Hello Mr Milkman

Mr Milkman - Hello Mr Gnomepants what a lovely morning

Me - Indeed! The birds are chirping the sun is shining....

Mr Milkman - How true! And what can I do for you today?

Me - Oooh I'll have 0.568 litres of milk please

Mr Milkman - Certainly!

However what does happen is:-

Me - Oi

Mr Milkman - What?

Me - Wheres me fuckin milk?

Mr Milkman - How much do you want?

Me - 0.568 litres please

Mr Milkman - Only what you see on the back of the float mate

Me - There! look!! 0.568 litres in a glass recepticle

Mr Milkman - you mean a fuckin pint! you wanker

Me - No we are metric now and have been since 1973!

Mr Milkman - Shut it weirdo....and have a shave......and get you're hair cut....you dont even get your milk delivered!

This scenario does not happen:-

Me- 0.568 litres of Big Jugs please sexy barmaid

Barmaid - Why certainly have some of my foaming Big Jugs.

Me - Fancy a shag?

Barmaid - yeah why not!

This scenario does happen

Me - A pint of Big Jugs please

Barmaid - Sexist bastard

Me - Noooo the beer

Barmaid - Oh right Im new to this

Me - Fancy a shag?

Barmaid - No thanks I have a great auk at home, I dont think they'd get on well.

I can cook and bake. A skill I was taught by my gran, sadly no longer with us, who taught me how many ounces there are in a pound and how many fluid ounces there are in a pint. Grams are easy to use and straightforward. But what I have a problem with is two fold.

  1. Distance - I will measure a piece of string or a line or something in metric ie. "oooh I need 2cm of stickytape to fasten this wrapping paper" but when it comes to distance I will say :- "Oooh Texas is Miles away" and not "Ooooh Texas is kilometres away" which doesnt have the same feel to it.....do you see what I mean?

  2. Temperature - What does my tits in is when its hot people say "Oooh it must be 90 degrees today!" - cos surely if it was 90 degrees we'd be dead! But if they had said "Oooh its 32 degrees today", immeadiately I'd be like "oooh thats quite warm!". But then, when its cold people tend to immeadiately switch to Celcius "Oooh its reet cold....must be minus 5 outside" not "Oooh its reet cold.....must be 23 outside". To me 23 is still warm....cos I work in celcius......confused? Not as much as me!

So Im going to try something new. Something 3rd Gen......Instead of centimetres I'm going to use gigameters, grams in fractions of a tonne, temperature in degrees Kelvin, and I bet they lock me up for being uberwierd! The cheek of it!

Wednesday 7 July 2004


"What've ya got?" I asked

"Big Jugs" she said seductively

"Oooo giz a look!" I pleaded

"Phwarr your Big Jugs are great!" I exclaimed

"Why thank you!" she said

<\Benny Hill Humor>


Not having up-to-date anti-virus software on your PC is
as irresponsible as having unprotected sex with a complete stranger.

Monday 5 July 2004


Its Vee's graduation today and we're going out tonight. As beer will no doubt flow continuously, the car has been left at home and so I had to brave pubic public transport.

Buses in Liverpool have had a No Smoking policy for sometime, although I think that rule only applies to the passengers and not the engines of old dilapidated buses that some of the bus companies run. However, that doesnt stop the majority of under 21's sitting on the back seat chuffing away hiding their burning butts in their cupped hands.

Today was no exception.

If I do have to get the bus I try to sit as near to the front as possible, normally because the intimidating types tend to congregate at the back; gob, urinate, leave curries or deface the seats and also because Liverpool bus drivers think they're a cross between Benny Goodman and Ayrton Sennacot, speed past your stop and unless you have lightning reflexes and the balance of an acrobat you end up at the Pier Head when you want to get off at Brownlow Hell. Unfortunatley, all the seats at the front where empty so reluctantly I had to join the rough types at the back. School kids mainly, you know the sort, the ones that just loafed about at school, no ambition to succeed, as far as they're concerned "why bother?". Sure enough they were smoking ciggies and being generally obnoxious.

Their conversation brought a grin to my face (although I internalized the grin for fear of getting my head kicked in so it probably looked like I had wind or toothache).

Scally 1: yeah an' like i was ded chonged like lahhh *

Scally 2: waz ya? I was chongin' from like 7 till 4:15 last night

Scally 1: yeah well I once chonged from like 4 till 4:30

Obviously a bollocks "one-up-manship" competition was going on. This amuzing competition continued with

Scally 2: I had 21 packets of cigs the other day...smoked the lot of them

Scally 1: yeah well I once smoked 10 packs before 12 then when we went out we had another 17 packs....it was great

It was a wonder they were still alive!!

Anyway, further adventures on the bus involved :-

  • a woman with the same model phone as me

  • a child wiping its nose on the seat, Mum didnt give a shit

  • emotionless people crammed like sardines

  • drivers still using mobile phones when driving

  • a woman driving her kids to school in her dressing gown and nightie

  • a woman bottle feeding her child while driving at 30 mph (towards traffic lights)

Its a wonder any of us are still alive!

*Translation Corner*

Chonged - Stoned, normally through use of pot/ganja

Chongin - smoking pot/ganja

lahhh - abrv. Lad , similar to mate, buddy, pal, chum

I hate buses.

Friday 2 July 2004


I hate shopping. I really do. If I need something from a shop I'll go straight to what I need, pay and clear out. I know of people, possibly in need of medical attention, that like to go into shops say for a pint of milk and come out with garden hoses, kitchen sinks, wankle rotary engines and what ever else useless junk they happen to glance their eyes across, a large percentage of my friends of the opposite sex tend to be more guilty of this in my experience though there are a few exceptions.

Anyway, it happend to be grocery night last night so off to the supermarket I went. The supermarket in question was Asda, although if you are from the other side of the pond you will probably know it as Walmart, for it is the same company. Well....let me give you a bit of background.......last year I found a farm shop....locally produced meats, locally produced fruit and veg really cheap.....in fact shopping there threequartered the house shopping bill. Sadly the farm shop shuts at 6pm and I dont normally have time to get there from work and get the stuff in. So reluctantly, because there was no food in the house and we've been too busy, we went to the supermarket.

Walking round several things struck me:-

  • In the farm shop you get wholesome misshaped veg, you know like carrots that look like penises and turnips with noses, however the fruit and veg in the supermarket was depressingly uniform....all the carrots same length and thickness, apples all the same colour, no blemishes....the organic stuff....exactly the same only with a bit of mud in the bag. The meat....all uniform prepackaged shite, the fattier the cheaper, the more lean the more expensive. No wonder the UK is becoming a nation of fatties.

  • People walking round the supermarket all looked sullen and depressed. Ashen faced. Cumudgenly. Their kids bored and restless. In the farmshop your fellow shoppers are much happier and say hello and smile and the kids are happy and can look at the animals etc

  • The unhealthy foods are prominent on the displays. Frozen pizzas, frozen burgers, a huge selection of chips. In the farmshop you get none of this as its all fresh stuff although they do have some nice frozen pies

I felt really guilty walking round the supermarket for not supporting local businesses.

I'm starting to take stock of my health again. I've slipped back into the "can't be arsed to cook lets have fast food" routine. I have stopped having my 20 minute walk about the campus. I'm smoking more. Of course I'm not blaming the supermarket for that, but I am blaming it for the food thing. We all need to take stock of what we eat. Stop eating shite go back to what we should eat which is plenty of fruit and veg, vitamins and if you are an omnivore a balance of meat, lean and not injected with crap and chemicals.

Arrrrgh sensible stuff........


Tuesday 15 June 2004

More foolishness

Some people have no sense

" Afternoon. Computer Services Helpdesk"

"Hello yes. Is that the helpdesk?"

"Yes. How can I help?"

"Well Im filling in this computer form online for computer quota using my computer on the network..."

"yes go on"

"...and theres a part thats asking for my 'real name' . Can you tell me what it means?"

"Erm.....ok...well basically its your name"

"yes but whats my realname"

"your name is your real name! unless you're using an alias"

"yes but I dont understand all that computer stuff."

Blood pressure rises gradually.

"OK. I'll try and explain in a more simple manner. Can you tell me what your name is please?"

"Im Professor Noah Tall*"

"Ok then your real name is....Noah Tall*, unless that is you want to be known as Mickey Mouse or Fred Squirrel or something"

"Oh I see! oh well thats stupid why doesnt it just ask me what my name is?"

"Thank you for calling"

*(name changed to protect the stupid)

Network Printers

Woman comes in. Goes to the information handouts. Picks one of the handouts which is in a pouch clearly labled
"Installing the Network Colour Printer"
and has
"Installing the Network Colour Printer"
clearly written across the top.

Reads it.

Scratches her head.

Comes up to the counter

Like Uri Geller, Derren Brown, Deanna Troi or some other psychic/mind reader/empath I knew exactly what it was she was going to ask.

Lets see if you can guess. Think what she asked.........ok....got an idea.....then click the cut below

She asked "Does this tell me how to install the network colour printer?"

Well???? Where you right????

Why did she ask me that?!!!!??!?!

Comments please!

Friday 11 June 2004


Why is it......that some people that have computers.......run a million and one things in the background that they aint ever going to use? You know what I mean? They have like a million and one icons in their system tray cos theyre running "Instant Cybercustard" "Super Casino" "Nuclear Porn" "Compuparsnip V2" "Electronic Donkey" and other useless things that they would probably never ever use, only use rarely or only makes their PC look prettier. Then have the audacity to call me.....and tell me that the
is running slow and that its my fault! Then when I proxy onto their pc and point out all the "mysterious things that are in their system tray", they say "Oh i never put that there" or "I didn't know I was installing that". Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr......i feel my blood boiling already I need to chill.

Monday 7 June 2004


Ewwwwwwwww....we just barred a 3rd year student.....for............


under the desk...

....in a busy user area.....

...Looking at porn....

....and leaving a "sticky deposit" on the chair.

Some people have no shame!

Goodness gracious!

I work in the COMPUTER SERVICES DEPARTMENT of one of the Universities in Liverpool. I deal with mindless computing queries all day in the form of emails, telephone calls and visits. Dont get me wrong, sometimes the queries are challenging and quite exciting. But just occasionally.

Today I'm doing email.

Todays STAR STUPID EMAIL is................

"I would very much like to leave my body for medical research, could you

please tell me how I go about it.

Thanking you"

Erm.......how do i answer that????

Friday 4 June 2004

People with computers

I dont know whats scarier. People with £1000's worth of Computer kit and not having a clue what to do with it or people with £1000's worth of motor vehicle and not knowing how to drive!

Both should be illegal

Tuesday 1 June 2004


Today I feel really down. I have no idea why. Well...thats a lie. Im partly down because I have to "work" today. Sometimes this job gets me down. Too many stupid people, wanting stupid things or doing stupid things. I then spend about 30 minutes looking for a job else where but to no avail.

Ok so if in the slim chance, you have a job for me paying £16k or more please let me know!

Theres a key phrase I dread -
"Im no good with computers"
- No shit! That phrase normally preceeds "..
.and I want to turn my PC into a goat"
or "
....can you tell me how to calculate the speed of galaxy B6 using MSpaint?"

Theres no hope for these people. "
Oh but Steve, you know about computers you shouldnt be so hard on these people"
Yeah! I know about computers cos I took the fucking time to learn! I didn't have anyone to ask about how to use internet exploder in 1997.

The little voice in my head says "KILL THEM ALL!" but for the lack of a weapon of mass destruction I have to pass.