The other week, Zoefruitcake and I visited our local Frankie and Benny's for a bit of a post payday treat.
It was busy; mostly because it was Halloween but also because it was the day after pay day and the world, his wife, their neighbours and their best friend's uncle's favourite mechanic's son also had the same idea.
Because it was Halloween weekend there were many children present. A good deal of these children were sat, well behaved and happy to be out with their family. There was, however, a pair of little shits present whose parents obviously went to the "freedom of expression" school of parenting. These delightful little darlings thought it fun to run rampant around the restaurant squealing with glee instead of remaining seated and only speaking when spoken to.
You know the type. They usually have traditionally cheeky scamp names like Bob or Tommy. The type of names traditionally apportioned to working class flat cap wearing, roll-up cigarette smoking betting shop regulars but, for some bizarre reason only known to fashionable middle class Guardian readers, deemed preferable to Tarquin, Charles and Gordon.
The type whose parents, as stated previously, believe in "freedom of expression". The same parents who probably inexplicably develop a "cough" when walking near smokers. Or fuss about their children and whatever food allergy or intollerance may be fashionable at the time. The type of parent that any normal person would want to smash into a granite table face first before flushing their head repeatedly down a particularly dirty toilet.
The type of child who runs around restaurants unbidden. Screaming and tripping up waitresses. Any accidents that arise are clearly the fault of the waiting staff not taking care when carrying a tureen of boiling soup or molten lard.
That got me thinking.
Bloody kids.
When I was a kid at a restaurant (or, more likely, a Berni Inn) , if I didn't sit straight, shut up and eat my greens provided with my scampi and chips the likelihood of eating out again would diminish to the point of never again. But no, not these chuffing days. Noooo. These days it seems it is totally socially acceptable to allow your child to run rampant with no regard for other diners or waiting staff.
All in the name of "freedom of expression".
"Oh but they're only expressing themselves" came the protest.
"Yeah well I'm expressing myself freely too." I retorted as I stabbed the father in the nose with his blunt steak knife and forced the mother to swallow her barbequed rib bones whole. Sideways.
"Do you want a starter?" Zoe asked, snapping me out of my daydream.
"No, let's get straight to mains" I replied.
Every year, in Britain, thousands of young people struggle to find things to do.
The more fortunate can often be found wandering the streets aimlessly like mindless zombies looking for a tiny piece of recognition or attention from anyone who cares to give it whereas the less fortunate, hanging around off licences threatening adults into purchasing them alcohol, wearing ill fitting clothes and occasionally sat on mopeds paid for by their unloving, uncaring, sofa bound TV addicted parents .
We at CHAV School offer numerous educational, nutritional and rehabilitational services to empower these poor unfortunate bedroom, park and library bound youths to become less functional and less valuable members of the community. With your donation of just £1 (less than the price of a quality Saturday board sheet newspaper) we can help to provide the following:
Education -
Our ill equipped and badly supervised classrooms encourage the youth to become less focussed on their work and more focussed on craving attention. We educate and train these youngsters on our highly acclaimed courses such as:
- Damaging Cars
- Litter Dropping for Beginners;
- Ch@ 5p33k Is kn0t 4 1am0rzzz wtf omg lollzzorzz;
- Successful and Offensive Graffito;
- Shoplifting;
- How to Swear at Passers-by;
- The Child Act & You - How Adults Are Unable to Do a Thing to Stop You Doing Things;
and our increasingly popular course
- Knifing People and How to Get Away With It.
Street Skills
- We train youths in valuable Street Skills including:
- The art of loitering at bus stops in a threatening manner;
- The correct way of vandalising a phone boxes;
- How to appear cool by doing things that would normally be seen as ridiculous;
- Dropping takeaway meals so as to cause an obstruction.
As the youth progress through our courses they may even move on to advanced topics such as:
- Urinating and Defecating without Shame,
- 1001 Things to Do When Intoxicated
and
- Giving Cheek to Teachers, Elders and Police Officers. 101
We also encourage our children to display their handy work in local bus shelters and telephone boxes.
Nutrition
Science has proven that balanced diets of fruit, nuts and vegetables, clean water, protein and carbohydrates are detrimental to a child's development.
It is well known that growing teens require a steady intake of hydrogenated fat, sugar and alcohol.
Your CHAV School donation allows us to provide sustenance to our rescued children in the form of Kebab meat, pizza, fizzy pop and sweets.
Our highly skilled nutritionists help advise the youth on how to adapt their diet, for example Diamond White instead of apple juice, chips in curry sauce instead of banana sandwich on whole-wheat granary bread. We also encourage children under our care to consume vital behaviour adapting additives, flavourings and colourings. This then encourages successful social and physical development.
Rehabilitation
Many of the children that come to us are, unfortunately, well dressed, courteous and polite. Brainwashed by uncaring, antisocial parents who concentrate selfishly on their own status amongst their peers.
We at CHAV School provide correct and suitable garments for teenagers copied from leading designs and supplied to us by a bloke off the market who can do us a good deal on Burberry.
Our highly skilled youth workers encourage the teens to express themselves in mumbles and grunts rather than clear, enunciated vocabulary. At times this can be traumatic but we believe this is for the child's own good.
Preparation for Life after 18
We educate our chavs and chavettes into becoming valueless members of society, without whom society would not be able to provide such social services as Policing.
We even help them customise their cars with flared exhausts and subwoofers. We help them find a suitable mating partner (if they haven't done so already) so that they can propagate this important way of life.
Family and Community Work
We don't just do stuff for kids. We work closely with affected families and help provide parents with widescreen plasma TVs, educate them into being thoughtful adults that care that they don't know where they children are and what they are doing.
We also provide courses for parents such as:-
- Apathy: How Not To Give A Shit;
- Your Kids are As Good As Gold Anyone That Disagrees is obviously a Paedophile;
- Shouting Matches for Beginners;
- Swearing at Children the Healthy Way;
and our most popular
- Making Eastenders More Important than your Child.
We also work with communities in the following ways: by encouraging the construction and development of derelict buildings for arson attacks; removal of litter bins; Provision of bus shelters and telephone boxes for social gatherings and art displays and by reducing harmful facilities such as youth clubs, organisations and the like.
But without your donation we cannot do this most important work. We know you care and we know our schemes are valuable to society as a whole. So make your donation today. Because Britain needs more chavs.
