Bah Humbug – Part 10

You see what happens when you get behind in blogging….I’ve had to do the same on LJ too you know…

Day 10 – Kids

Yes, I know I was one once. But when I was a kid, you sat in the corner, kept quiet and got made a fuss of by that strange smelly Auntie that sat in the corner getting slowly pissed on port.

These days, I’m told “Christmas is for the Children”.

I’ve got news.

BOLLOCKS IT IS.

Its for everyone. Why do children always get preferential treatment?

When I was a kid, I’d be happy with a hoop, a stick and a sock full of satsumas. These days it’s Wii this, Playstation that, I want this, I want that, Gimme gimme gimme. Whinge whinge whinge. Ungrateful little shits.

They have no experience or love of the TV guide hunt. They’ve never even been sent to bed at 8pm and told if they wake up before 9am their presents will turn to dust. Spoilt they are.

They don’t even have to suffer a thousand pensioners groping their tussled curls and being told they would have girls queuing up round the corner for them. It’s like the Christmas they experience is a pastiche of the Christmases they should experience. Worse still, is when they eat all the sweets and chocolates and end up running round like excitable little wasps for three hours.

My niece, 6 year old Charlotte, bless her, is the centre of attention at my mum and dad’s house at Christmas these days. She gets to open her presents first. She always seems to get more presents than me too. She doesn’t have to suffer the annual relation safari until Boxing day. She has no experience of the smelly odd looking aunt in the corner either. Instead, her Christmas day is one of presents, presents, food, presents and more presents.

Jealous? Me? No…but, as you will see on the 17th day, I have my reasons…..

Bah Humbug - Part 9

Blah Blah blah, to finish essays, blah blah hiatus blah blah sorry blah fish blah blah bumsex blah Christmas.

Day 9 – Christmas TV

There was a time when I would rush out to the newsagent and buy copies of the Christmas editions of TV Times and Radio Times.

These were days long ago when in the UK we were so poor we only had 3 TV channels. Of course, when this went up to 4 channels that didn’t stop the annual trip to the newsagent for the magazines. Gosh no.

So, once I had the television listings in my hands I would pour over each day looking to see what was going to be shown that festive period and highlight the programmes I would watch, carefully colour coded so that lime green would be “watch” and hot pink would be “video tape”.

Of course these were the days before DVD, the internet and being able to stay up late (Yes, there was such a time).

I remember being awed at the choice of excellent programming, the dilemma of do I watch this or do I watch that and the awful paradox of having to decide what to do if four programmes were on at the same time.

Those days went in 2001.

Television programming started to suffer in the UK and the choice of “Do I watch the fiftieth repeat of Back to the Future” or “Do I watch that episode of Only Fools and Horses where Del Boy falls through the bar for the 90th time” got tiring. TV listings had lost their sparkle.

These days I don’t bother. A lot of this stems from having to work over the Christmas period and missing all the great films and stuff because I was at work but it is also the fault of TV stations for not showing anything more compelling than the Doctor Who Christmas Special.  In fact, if it wasn’t for the Doctor Who Christmas Special the telly probably wouldnt go on at Christmas.

My brothers still do this annual habit. I’m pleased to say I have out grown it, or maybe I have matured enough to realise that Del Boy falling through the bar is not funny anymore. Nor is watching family breakdowns on Eastenders  compelling enough. Has it really come to this? Has TV really had its day? Will generations to follow simply look to see what the latest government approved Youtube upload is? Or what?

I cannot recall I time when I’ve seen something advertised on the Christmas listings as something I must not miss. Even this year, with the choices of Abba The Movie,  Gladiator, and the thousandth showing of Speed I am frankly underwhelmed.

I suppose there’s always Del Boy falling through the bar….

Bah Humbug – Part 7

Blah blah, moan about Christmas, blah blah another gem blah blah blah swallowed up into cyberspace blah blah should get published blah blah fish cakes blah.

Day 7 – Symbolism

If you are reading this on Blogspot you might miss the following interactive bit. If you are on LJ you can pretend to have read the whole thing and just fill in the poll.

But just for you Blogspot person. Here is a poetic intermission

I have got a box of chocolates

I’ve eaten all the nuts

I’ve eaten all the caramels

And all I hear is tuts

The reason why is clear to see

The soft centered ones

Disagree with me

And so I munch on the chewy

And hide the little menu.

Christmas eh….Are you fed up with it yet? I am. What really annoys me is the modern trend for the iconisation of fat men in red, candles, snowmen and puddings.

Because this issue is a big one, let me just go through each symbol and why it offends me.

Big Fat Men in Red –  Any other time of year, if someone put up posters of a  big fat man in red pyjamas the social services would probably be very concerned. Unless of course the person in question had some weird fat guy in pyjama’s fetish, in which case you’d probably let them off just so you could mock them.  Why big jovial fat men? Why not skinny women with their tits out? I mean that’s just as festive…Isn’t it? Well, maybe that’s just town centre Barnsley on a Thursday night.

It’s easy really. If it was Jesus who, in legend, went round the houses popping sweeties and gifts into socks on his birthday then I imagine we’d have given up the idolatry of the fat guy before he even got his arms into the sleeves of his red coat. But our love for freebies and material goods mean that the bearded skinny guy with the holes in his extremities doesn’t get a look in. Really, what we should do is do away with the fat bearded guy and have pictures of our parents up about the place. Of course if your parents were evil, dead or anti-Christmas then you probably won’t, so instead maybe you could opt for pictures of another parental surrogate. The Kween and Prince Fillup maybe?

Regardless, the fat guy is bad, unhealthy and out dated symbolism, which, really, deserves it’s own post. Maybe on Day 8.

Round puddings with holly stuck in the top

Do you know? In my life, I’ve never ever ever ever seen a round Christmas pudding. I’ve seen a pudding basin shaped one. I’ve seen one in the shape of a Christmas tree. But never a round one.

Now I’m sure people like FJ Warren will say “Oh when I was living in a shoe box while eating gravel and trying to keep warm round granddad’s phlegm during the poor times we used to have round Christmas puddings!”. Yes, I’m quite sure you did. But in this day and age of plastics, tin foil and basins, puddings tend to be basin shaped.

Besides, what about those people, like me, who find Christmas pudding abhorrent? Are we allowed to put up festive picture of ice cream everywhere? No we’re fucking not. Instead we have to put up with imagery of foul tasting brandy drenched mush. Well I don’t like it and I won’t have it. And if you think I’m staying sat at this table while everyone else finishes theirs, well you can think again, cos I’m going to my room to sulk.

Snow scenes, Snowmen and snow flakes – Do you know? I cannot remember the last time I saw a real snowman or for that matter a real snow flake of a Christmas. Now  I know people like Zelest and Kingdavey will probably be shoulder deep in wintery goodness now. But here in the UK, I think I’ve only ever seen about 2 white Christmases in my 35 years. I could be wrong. So instead, lets do away with snowmen all together and the snowflake, well that can fuck off too, let’s have rain drops instead, because it’s always sodding raining in the UK.

Stars and Candles – What the fig are they about? Yeah I know the three nomadic oriental types followed a star, but they were obviously sniffing too much myrrh or frankincense. Besides, I see stars all year round. Likewise candles. I used to see candles at Christmas too, but they were mostly on my birthday cake or on the table because there was a power cut. Now I see them all year round. I fail to see the symbolism still relevant.

 

Presents – Yeah ok. I suppose the wrapping up of unwanted gifts still hold some symbolism. Besides, big corporations would prefer the subversive subliminal symbolism of consumeristic iconography. Now I’ve seen a few socks knocking about the place, I think they’re supposed to be stockings, you know the type you hang on the mantle, but actually, the shift is toward socks because, as everyone knows, you get socks at Christmas. It’s the law.

Fat farting Aunt that sits in the corner drinking port  

No…I haven’t seen them either.

Bah Humbug – Day 5

Rather than actually do some work…yaddayaddayadda. Background noone is arsed about yadda yadda yadda …..blah blah. Christmas blah.

Day 5 – Christmas Music

It is fortunate to live in Gnomepants manor at this time of year. Especially as the house looks dark and spooky without the lights on outside. Moreover, there is no doorbell on the front door and you have to sneak down a passage to get to the tradesman's entrance.

Why is this fortuitous?