Sunday, 6 December 2009

Bah Humbug – Day 5

Rather than actually do some work…yaddayaddayadda. Background noone is arsed about yadda yadda yadda …..blah blah. Christmas blah.

Day 5 – Christmas Music

It is fortunate to live in Gnomepants manor at this time of year. Especially as the house looks dark and spooky without the lights on outside. Moreover, there is no doorbell on the front door and you have to sneak down a passage to get to the tradesman's entrance.

Why is this fortuitous?

Well, kids are normally scared of coming round to beg. Now don't get me wrong. I have nothing against carol singing. Sure, I did it myself as a youth. Calling into old peoples homes to sing a carefully practiced variety of carols including classics by Rutter, Holst and Sharples. Yes, ok, it a was middle class kid thing to do and the blue bag bless the little enterprising scrotes that are brave enough to call and sing. But, as I've written before on LJ, if you want to get paid, you have to sing something other than We Wish you a Merry Christmas. However, though I am fairly safe from the caterwauling of preteens, I am not safe from Christmas musak. Neither are you.


I’ll wish you a fucking merry christmas

I really cannot explain the reason why shops have to pipe endless Christmas classics through their PA systems. Nor can I understand the endless appeal of Jona Lewis' Stop the Cavalry. If I actually still went Christmas shopping I would probably have tracked down Mr Lewis and shot him with a World War 1 rifle myself.

What I do understand though is that if you can work the phrases "Get up it's morning" "Happy Birthday" and "It's Christmas" into your song, you're guaranteed an instantly lucrative annual royalty payment. By slowly irritating the masses with your cheerful "Be happy you miserable fucker it's Christmas" message you are writing yourself into the annals of music history.


It’s fucking Slademas

So what I propose is this. Instead of having to listen to culturally enforced saccarine Christmas cheer for the entire month of December, why not put some nice industrial atmospherics on a Walkman or Ipr0d instead? Maybe even Crazy frog would be less annoying? (Or is that a step too far do you think?) Or, controversially, how about an embargo on shops that play Christmas music?

This would surely lead to having to buy off market stall holders and dodgy looking pikelets selling 5 lighters for a pound thus stimulating micro-economies and bankrupting the last of the musicians who think they can sit on their fat arses all year round just because they once sang about waking up on their birthday one Christmas.

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