My Neighbour’s Cock

My Neighbour's Cock from stegzy gnomepants on Vimeo.

My neighbour is always getting his cock out at the back of my house. So I went and filmed it so I can prove it to you unbelievers. Disgusting behaviour.

Geocaching 2010

 

So this weekend saw the start of the Geocaching season for me. Ok, technically it was a few weeks ago when I went mooching round Wooley Edge and bagged two caches while trying out new software. Zoe and I decided to start out with some easy ones to get us back into the swing of things.

The first trip took us to a disused railway bridge out at Hunningham near Leamington Spa. As I say, it’s been a while but it’s the little things like spotting good places to park, working out that the direct path is not always the best and if at first you can’t find the cache – look in the most obvious place.

So on getting there it became apparent that there was no easy way to get up to where I needed to be. Short of taking a good 4 mile walk to get to the cache the only other option was to scramble through undergrowth and up some rubble.

Further adventures were had trying to navigate a field of potatoes. We could either take the direct path across the crops or round the edge of the field adding about 30 minutes onto the trip. The crops were safe as we opted for the indirect approach which, fortunately, took in another cache on the way.

The glorious sunshine which graced the midlands today meant that rather than the usual slobbing out on the couch, Zoe and I would do some more geocaching. Today’s trip reminded me of why I really enjoy the hobby.

The UK is a beautiful picturesque land. There’s so much to see but often we ignore places because, on maps, there doesn’t seem to be anything there.

However Geocaching takes you to some of the most interesting places that you wouldn’t ordinarily visit.  So today’s trip took us to the lovely sleepy village of Weston Under Wetherley.

I mean look at it. It’s just gorgeous. Makes you feel British. I can just imagine poncing about the place in my blazer with service medals and being called Major or something. So this has reignited the desire to mooch about the countryside looking for bits of concealed tupperware while armed only with my HTC HD2.

Anyway, the glorious weather seems to have awoken other cachers as the travel bug – the Stegzy Gnomepants’ Badger’s Coastal Tour Travel Bug has also been on the move. So it seems the season has begun, work permitting, I intend to do many more caches this year. Maybe actually getting to places outside of the West Midlands and Yorkshire. 

And yet I still find myself wishing there was something like this when I was younger….

Are you safe?

The news that a school is banning ties and the news that stepping stones might be bad for your health has really got my blood pressure up of late. I blame the litigious society we now live in. I hold my hand up now and confess that in the mid 1990's I helped to propagate this terrible affliction upon the British public by working in a solicitors office that mainly dealt with tripping incidents.

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People living in the UK pay a tax which helps pay for the upkeep of the area in which they live. This tax is called the Council tax [Incidentally, this year Barnsley council have levied residents a £1095 annual charge for the privilege of living in Band B houses within the district] and is paid annually. The tax funds the local services such as police and fire and coastguard (if you live in a coastal area),Derek Hatton's new car refuse collection, holidays for the councillors and general maintenance of street furniture (signs, lamp posts, bins), pavements and public areas.

My job as a legal clerk was to gather evidence against Liverpool council for "Breach of duty of care". Usually this would involve Joe Scrotum calling into the office, all bandaged up, to say that he had tripped over a raised paving slab and caused distress and discomfort to his person. I would then get Mr Scrotum (or his brother or his cousin or some bloke that knew his Aunt once on a Friday afternoon in June) to sign a "Green Form" which allowed Mr Scrotum to claim legal aid and allowed the firm to earn some healthy dosh to pay its employees with.

In reality, Mr Scrotum had probably gotten beaten up in the pub for shagging Mr Knutfukker's wife up the bum; and on the way home from the pub notices a pavement slab which happened to be a bit sticky uppy. Of course some of the clients were obviously genuine, some had actually fallen or had had some kind of truly accident with a piece of council furniture. But the majority were scam artists.

A good 60% of these people put claims in as a supplement to their unemployment benefit and often the solicitor that dealt with these cases would be heard to say "Oh Mr Scrotum? Again? He is a clumsy clopper". Anyone else probably would have taken a bit more care walking down the road but because the compensation available was sometimes in the £1000's (Yeah your Honour. Falling down that manhole has put me off sex) there was a healthy income to be made. Indeed some of the injuries certainly didn't look like they were caused by "sticky up pavements".

Unless, of course, these people had been travelling along a super sonic speed and the pavement slab levitated and twatted them across the head and limbs several times. Of course the compensation had to come from somewhere. Liverpool, at the time, had one of the highest council tax charges in Britain and possibly some of the most unsafe streets in the whole North West. Not because of gun toting dudes in blacked out cars but because of the actual potholes and broken pavements. However, the money to fix the pavements was being swallowed up by Mr Scrotum and his kin, who didn't actually pay any council tax anyway because of their employment status.

 

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But thats a tangent I didn't really intend going off on. Instead, today I got thinking about the numerous things that I probably wouldnt have experienced had I been a cotton wool wrapped child of today. Such as:-

 

Sitting on hot central heating pipes in the cold winter

Why

Not only is it not like the Arctic in the winter anymore but someone might just get burnt.

 

Possible Reason

Oh poor little Jonny! He sat on a pipe and now has a disfiguring blister on his thigh. This has (will) cause(d) him to have a lack of  self confidence and all the other children will call him names and he'll grow up to be Charles Manson or someone.

 

Instead of

Stupid child. It was hot, you got burnt. Here have some Germoline and stop your whinging. You'll never do that again now will you. Hot pipes indeed!? Didn't you get up once they felt a bit hot?

 

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Cutting paper with scissors

Why

The child might cut his or her or someone elses fingers off!

 

Possible Reason

 Oh poor little Milly! She was cutting paper unsupervised when she cut her finger. Now she has no end of playground taunting and she'll never be able to play the Harp again. I mean fancy leaving a child with paper! That paper cut will never heal. It will go gangrenous and cause her to have some tropical infection like lassa fever or beri beri

Instead of

Stupid Child! Its only a poxy little paper cut. Just suck the blood off and you'll be alright. You're not going to die.

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Chalk on the blackboard

Why

People are allergic to all sorts of things these days: cheese, peanuts, mucky fat, aspidistras. Chalk is no exception.

Possible Reason

I had to take my little Gary out of class indefinitely because of the dust in that class room. He would come home with his eyes streaming and his face all puffy. It stressed me so much I  would have to smoke a further 20 cigarettes in disgust. How dare that school give my child an allergy! How is he going to take over the family asbestos removals company when his Dad retires?

 

Instead of

Oh stop your whinging. Smoke this and go out and play.

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Playing conkers

Why

Conkers are notorious for removing peoples eyes. In fact in some hospitals conkers have been used in eye removal operations. The game of conkers is no exception and only increases the risk.

Possible Reason

 That Tommy, he's normally such a nice boy. But you know the other day, after his drink of Sunny Delight, he went out with his friend Eddie to play conkers and within five minutes he was going round and punching things and kicking things and pulling the heads off puppies. I can't imagine why he would do such a thing. Must be because he was playing conkers. Thats such a violent game

 

Instead of

Calm down. Stop kicking that boy like that. How many times have I got to tell you. When you are kicking children go for the goolies! Do it properly or not at all!

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Being told off by an unknown adult

Why

Strangers. Are dangers. So they say. I always thought they were a crap indie band from Preston. But it seems that any person other than a member or friend of the family that speaks to a child is a paedophile and possibly an axe murderer or nail beautician. Or all three.

Possible Reason

 That Mr Jones of number 86. He told our Jade to get off his garden today. He's a dirty shifty man. He has all those pictures of those children on his mantelpiece and wall. I just know he's watching me from behind those net curtains. He did away with his wife anorl you know? Chopped her up with an axe made out of a nail file....

 

Instead of

How many times do you need to be told? Stop annoying the neighbours and stop doing parkour on Mr Jones' front garden. He's old and doesn't like it. Go and apologise and ask him if there is anything I can get him from the supermarket.

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Sticking things with Gloy Paste

Why

Glue as we know is bad. According to recent social studies sniffing glue is bad for you. It makes your nose all spotty, fucks your head and leads on to hard drugs like. Gloy Paste sniffing is  the precursor to glue sniffing it seems though smelling the back of a postage stamp isn't quite in the same league really is it?

Possible Reason

 I caught our Billy making a tissue paper collage last night. I was so shocked. I was passing his room on my way to get my Crystal Meth when I saw through his door...there he was all sprawled out on the floor sticking pieces of scrunched up bits of tissue paper onto a piece of card using GLOY! Things looked so promising for him. I always thought he'd be a dealer you know.

 

Instead of

Aww thats lovely Billy. Are you making that for your gran? Arrrey! You've got it all over the carpet. You stupid little child. Give it here!

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Nativity

Why

It seems that childhood is not innocent. It is guilty of offending people from other walks of life and cultures. The nativity, the seasonally traditional account of the birth of Jesus, offends not only non-Christians but the papier mache rights people get offended at the use of a papier mache sheep instead of a cardboard cut out. It might also be instrument to child pornography as it seems those people with the cameras might not actually be filming or photographing their children for family posterity but for actually more nefarious purposes.

 

Possible Reason

 

 I couldnt believe it! I was mortified! Imagine having a 6 year old talking about birth. It is obscene! Especially as I don't believe a word of all that "Christ is born" nonsense and I only had our Tanya baptised so she could get into the school (you know its fairly high up on the league tables). I find it all so offensive. Just wait until Julian sees the education minister when he plays golf on Thursday. I shall also be complaining about the use of the cameras in during the nativity. I mean I don't know any of those people. They might be axe murderers or nail beauticians or something and they have film of MY child! It's horrific!

 

Instead of

Aww look at them all act. Aren't they sweet. I mean I know I only got them baptised for educational reasons but still they did a damn good job of the birth. I think little Tarquin played Joseph so well. He should get an oscar lovey!! I'm so glad most parents seemed to be filming the event as, when Tarquin becomes an internationally famous filmstar, they'll all sell their films to the press and it will be excellent publicity for him darling.

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Playing in the street

Why

God forbid if a child ever went out on the street. There are all manner of dangers. Cars. Drug pushers. Muggers. Rabid snow leopards. Level 15 Dun Modr Dwarfs. Religious nutters. Knives. Sharp pavements. Fresh air. Pollution. Things to do. Mischief to be had.

Possible Reason

 I dare not let Jimmy out to play in case he falls over and damages his knee. I certainly don't like him talking to those other children. I mean what sort of dreadful and awful parents let their children out to wander the streets unsupervised. You see them all the time playing football, sitting around drinking Tenants Super, swearing at old ladies, running round Mr Jones' garden. I'd say something but I wouldn't want anyone to think I was a dirty paedo or something. Instead I'll just keep Jimmy here with me. I'll give him a nice PC to play with and he can go on the internet all day. Or I can get him a television and some of those Conker films he likes so much.

Instead of

Go on. Bugger off out. What do you mean you've got homework? GCSE's? What are they? You dont want them they cause nothing but trouble! Look at me do you think I've got GCSE's? Now fuck off out and let me watch me reruns of Trisha in peace...

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This post originally appeared on Livejournal in 2007

Political Pints

Margaret Thatcher had her gardening. John Major had his soap box. Tony Blair and Gordon Brown; cups of tea with grass root voters. What would swing me? Well a pint with me in my local would probably help…..

I’ve blogged before on how little contact my local political representatives have made to the people that matter (See these various Livejournal entries), those people being…well…me and others like me who are called upon to do their duty and put a cross in a box every few years. Indeed, the same really could apply to prospective MPs.

In all my years I’ve never been canvassed. Either in person or by any other personal means. Now I know some will say “Oh but Stegzy you daft pillock, there are far too many people for all the MPs to go and visit them all and that is why they have special talks and things in community centres”. Others might say “Oh well you should get leaflets and that through your door surely that should be enough”. Well no…it isn’t.

When I moved to Yorkshire the country was undergoing an election. I was new to Barnsley and had no idea who was who or what the the people who were asking for my vote stood for.

So, I took it upon myself to look up the local prospective candidates in the local press and on the web and I contacted all the candidates via email inviting them to come to my house and tell me why I should vote for them. (see this entry)

Surprisingly.

Nobody came.

Not even a “Thanks” or a “Hey yeah while I’m dead busy like I can’t really drop everything just for one vote”.

Nothing

I thought to myself that come the general election I would extend that offer to the people hoping to be elected to parliament for the Barnsley East ward.

Then Gordon goes and visits some people at their house for a cup of tea.

Well. Fair enough, with having to finish my degree and being in two places most of the time I didn’t get round to making that post.

My intention, as I alluded to, was to invite political prospectives to come and tell me why they deserved my vote and not the other guy rather than have them shove a piece of paper through my door with a few general statements about what current issue they deem to have importance.

Now I can hardly expect Gordon, Nick and that other fella to come round to my gaff together and take me for a pint, but the idea would be nice. I can just imagine it, me and political big wigs having a pint in my local or, for that matter, in my lounge…like the lads…not that the “lads” ever come round to my gaff, but you get my idea.

No, perhaps expecting the big fish to visit the tadpoles is a bit far fetched. But my local MP…well that’s a different matter. They’re not there yet. My current MP is Jeff Ennis, who, you might be amused to know, used to live in G the Human Dog’s house next door to mine. Anyway, I understand that Jeff is standing down at this election. I never got to meet good old Jeffy but I can imagine him sipping an ale with Mrs Edson (the lady that lived in my house before me) or nipping down to the Three Horseshoes for a little snifter of sherry with the lads.

So as there is a vacancy coming up and I’m still unaware of anyone wanting to try and fill Ennis’ shoes I thought I’d extend the offer once more.

It is highly unlikely that anyone from Barnsley let alone anyone from the Barnsley East and Mexborough ward will be reading this but hopefully some enterprising PR person will pick up on it and see it as a boon for selfpromotion. But…here goes…if you are a prospective candidate or are hoping to run for election as the MP for Barnsley East and Mexborough….get in touch. Please. Come and meet me and we’ll have a one to one. I will ask you about the issues that matter to me and which way you would vote on my behalf, should an issue arise in Parliament.

Of course nobody chuffing will come. Nobody ever does. And then I’ll sit there, vote card in hand, clueless about who to vote for.

TV For sale

Last night I thought I'd watch some TV. So I picked up the TV guide and thumbed through it with the express intention of finding something to watch. My head exploded with despair. After I picked up the pieces of skull and brain I had splattered all over the living room I analysed the scheduled programmes I had missed.

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UK TV

For the benefit of our Merrycan and European cousins let me explain how TV works in the UK. If you want a television receiver in your house you must have a licence. You can have a black and white CCTV monitor without a licence as long as the equipment is not capable of receiving a television signal. To have video recorders, TV's or even a Computer with a TV card, regardless of whether they are connected to an aerial or not, in the UK you must have a TV licence.

The proceeds of which go to fund the BBC who make great TV programmes when they try. Furthermore, the BBC are also allowed to raise revenue by selling their programming to other networks worldwide. However, they are unable to make revenue by advertising so unlike in Merrycar where…

<Commercial Break>

Join the army from stegzy gnomepants on Vimeo.

Buy this car, it will make you seem more financially bouyant than your friends. Encourage your partner to buy one too that way you can feel more superior to your neighbour who never seem to invite you their kinky sex parties

</commercial break>

you get adverts every two minutes and the programmes are really just advertising space fillers

<Commercial Break>

Slurpro from stegzy gnomepants on Vimeo.

Have no life? Text "Mugme" to 833434 and get a free ringtone every 20 minutes (The ringtone is free but the text will cost you £4305 a letter) Go on! Your life will seem pointless and might as well end unless you have these ringtones!

</commercial break>

which can get a bit annoying after a while. Anyway because I pay just over £100 a year to the government BBC I get to watch a handful of advertisement free channels. Further more, if I feel I want to be sold to or have every intricate moment of a drama explained to me as though I am a thicko with no clue whatsoever then I can watch ITV who gain their revenue mostly from the sale of advertising space, or I can enjoy the relative "I'm immune to advertising but I'll watch this interestingly subversive factual current affairs programme aimed at the 20-45 age bracket" chinstrokery of Channel 4 (when they are not showing Big Pervert or something). Indeed, if I feel that I haven't had enough Americanisation I can tune into Channel 5 and get a fix of syrupy slush whenever I feel like it.

That is until recently. When the powers that be decided that 5 channels isn't enough and we needed to fall inline with the rest of the world and have Digital TV. Behold Freeview. A multi channel sewer of creativity, behold several other BBC channels (for free) such as BBC3, BBC4, BBC News 24, CBBC (for kiddies), CBeebies (for kiddies that don't know they are kiddies yet), ITV2, ITV 3 and ITV-somewhere-near-the-bottom-of-the-list-so-you-never-remember-its-there-4, More4, E4 (for yoofs that do EEE's man), Film Four, UKTV Hitler Coast Alan Titchmarsh's Natural History History, Q-PVC, Bid up, Bid down, Bid sideways all manner of shite and dirge.

All for free.

Because I pay just over £140 a year.

Good that isn't it?

What's more is some people pay a further £400 a year for the privilege of watching everything that has been shown on the free channels in the past again and again, more American TV and the experience of being sold to every 15 minutes (yet more adverts).

Ace.

I dont agree with paying twice for something I've already paid for so instead I tend to download illegally programmes I really want to watch (ie reruns of old Dr Who and Lost) or rent and rip via LOVEFilm. But each to their own I suppose.

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Anyway I read the TV schedule and this is some of the "quality" televisual treats available for the general British public:-

My Dog is Fat and So am I    

Fat people and their fat dogs. Gripping reality TV.

NOT

Freaky Foods

- Fat? Watching telly? Hell you'll never eat again after watching this (Though you'll still watch telly...wont you?)

Celebrity Dog Superstars

- the public vote for their favourite celebrity so that the rescued dog they are looking after doesn't get put down

Celebrity Knitwork

The public vote on their favourite celebrities knitting patterns. This week Imoelda Staunton knits a spectacle case out of her own navel fluff

Something without that annoying prick Patrick Keilty -

A programme, possibly the news, without Patrick Keilty. His mum will be disappointed

Something with Ben Fogel in it 

He's not on telly enough these days so slap a repeat on and nobody will notice.

I was a Celebrity But I Bummed Some Rabbits in Michael Barrymore's Swimming Pool While off my face on Crystal Meth Make Me Famous Again (Please)

Washed up has-beens vie to be famous once more for 15 weeks while they try to rebuild their career by doing things they wouldn't normally lower themselves to do had they still had some self respect left.

Don't Poke Me with a Spoon -

Situation comedy, probably about a married couple who secretly hate each other and the trials and tribulations of everyday life with teenagers. With canned laughter in case you don't know where to laugh.

Holidays you'll never afford

- Watch dreamily as a washed up public school ponce that used to be an interior designer shows you "holidays you'll never afford unless you sell your children for medical experiments and maybe burn your house down for the insurance" in far off countries you've never heard of and are probably made up anyway.

IF...The World Still Had Protozoan Sludge

- Popular science scientists and people crying out for research grants discuss what 21st century life might be like if the world was still covered in Protozoan sludge in an effort to justify the millions of pounds already wasted on them by popular Universities.

My Mother was Adolf Hitler -

Someone like Adam Hart-Davies bumbles about the countryside on a unicycle interviewing friends of Nelly Bainbridge of Stithians who always claimed to be Adolf Hitler who escaped occupied Germany in a shoe box and had a sex change to disguise his identity.

Old King Coal

Soap Opera set in Yorkshire following the fortunes and struggles of a typical family during the Arthur Scargill era. Cunningly set at a time where if the soap isn't popular they can end the series by closing darn t'pit. Starring Dr Who's David Tennant as Arthur Scargill.

Dead Hicks -

Science fiction drama for thirty-somethings filmed in and around Solihull where every week parts of which are substitute for far off places such as Delhi, New York and Birmingham. This week the team are visited by their arch-nemesis, the sinister Tax Inspector (played by Patrick Keilty)

 

I'm so grateful I spend £142 a year on this quality programming. Its like Waitrose selling Kwiksave No Frills Bread. After all it must be good if Waitrose sell it!

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This post was originally posted on my Livejournal in 2007

60 Second theatre

Why isn't there more stuff like this out there? Empire are running a compo encouraging people to make 60 second versions of films. If I'd known about it I might have done one myself. My favourite so far is Evil Dead

Evil Dead done in 60 seconds with CLAY - 2010 from Lee Hardcastle on Vimeo.

There are loads more on the site. Voting closes today http://www.empireonline.com/awards2010/donein60seconds/

Middlemist’s Red

My radio alarm clock woke me this morning to an interesting article about one of the worlds rarest plants.

The Middlemist’s Red is currently in bloom at Chiswick House hot house and is one of only two in the world. Curious, I took a look at the plant on the website.

BBC

Guardian

 

 

And I thought to myself “Hang on! That looks like the one we have at Gnomepants Manor”

The one we have is not in bloom yet as it is growing out doors. But here are a few pictures I took last year.

 

I’m probably very wrong and the camellia I have is probably some common variety…but still…

Chav School

Every year, in Britain, thousands of young people struggle to find things to do.

The more fortunate can often be found wandering the streets aimlessly like mindless zombies looking for a tiny piece of recognition or attention from anyone who cares to give it whereas the less fortunate, hanging around off licences threatening adults into purchasing them alcohol, wearing ill fitting clothes and occasionally sat on mopeds paid for by their unloving, uncaring, sofa bound TV addicted parents .

However there are those teenagers who are not so fortunate. Those that stay at home, watch TV, do homework, use the internet, read books or meet up with friends at the local park for a chat and maybe some harmless play. It is these youths that really need your help.

We at CHAV School offer numerous educational, nutritional and rehabilitational services to empower these poor unfortunate bedroom, park and library bound youths to become less functional and less valuable members of the community. With your donation of just £1 (less than the price of a quality Saturday board sheet newspaper) we can help to provide the following:

Education -

Our ill equipped and badly supervised classrooms encourage the youth to become less focussed on their work and more focussed on craving attention. We educate and train these youngsters on our highly acclaimed courses such as:

• Damaging Cars
• Litter Dropping for Beginners;
• Ch@ 5p33k Is kn0t 4 1am0rzzz wtf omg lollzzorzz;
• Successful and Offensive Graffito;
• Shoplifting;
• How to Swear at Passers-by;
• The Child Act & You - How Adults Are Unable to Do a Thing to Stop You Doing Things;

and our increasingly popular course

• Knifing People and How to Get Away With It.

Street Skills

- We train youths in valuable Street Skills including:

• The art of loitering at bus stops in a threatening manner;
• The correct way of vandalising a phone boxes;
• How to appear cool by doing things that would normally be seen as ridiculous;
• Dropping takeaway meals so as to cause an obstruction.

As the youth progress through our courses they may even move on to advanced topics such as:

• Urinating and Defecating without Shame,
• 1001 Things to Do When Intoxicated

and

• Giving Cheek to Teachers, Elders and Police Officers. 101

We also encourage our children to display their handy work in local bus shelters and telephone boxes.

Nutrition

  Science has proven that balanced diets of fruit, nuts and vegetables, clean water, protein and carbohydrates are detrimental to a child's development.

It is well known that growing teens require a steady intake of hydrogenated fat, sugar and alcohol.

Your CHAV School donation allows us to provide sustenance to our rescued children in the form of Kebab meat, pizza, fizzy pop and sweets.

Our highly skilled nutritionists help advise the youth on how to adapt their diet, for example Diamond White instead of apple juice, chips in curry sauce instead of banana sandwich on whole-wheat granary bread. We also encourage children under our care to consume vital behaviour adapting additives, flavourings and colourings. This then encourages successful social and physical development.

 

Rehabilitation

Many of the children that come to us are, unfortunately, well dressed, courteous and polite. Brainwashed by uncaring, antisocial parents who concentrate selfishly on their own status amongst their peers.

We at CHAV School provide correct and suitable garments for teenagers copied from leading designs and supplied to us by a bloke off the market who can do us a good deal on Burberry.

Our highly skilled youth workers encourage the teens to express themselves in mumbles and grunts rather than clear, enunciated vocabulary. At times this can be traumatic but we believe this is for the child's own good.

 

Preparation for Life after 18

We educate our chavs and chavettes into becoming valueless members of society, without whom society would not be able to provide such social services as Policing.

We even help them customise their cars with flared exhausts and subwoofers. We help them find a suitable mating partner (if they haven't done so already) so that they can propagate this important way of life.

Family and Community Work

We don't just do stuff for kids. We work closely with affected families and help provide parents with widescreen plasma TVs, educate them into being thoughtful adults that care that they don't know where they children are and what they are doing.

We also provide courses for parents such as:-

• Apathy: How Not To Give A Shit;
• Your Kids are As Good As Gold Anyone That Disagrees is obviously a Paedophile;
• Shouting Matches for Beginners;
• Swearing at Children the Healthy Way;

and our most popular

• Making Eastenders More Important than your Child.

We also work with communities in the following ways: by encouraging the construction and development of derelict buildings for arson attacks; removal of litter bins; Provision of bus shelters and telephone boxes for social gatherings and art displays and by reducing harmful facilities such as youth clubs, organisations and the like.

But without your donation we cannot do this most important work. We know you care and we know our schemes are valuable to society as a whole. So make your donation today. Because Britain needs more chavs.

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This post originally appeared on Livejournal

Stegzy's Customer Service School

Hello! Thank you for coming to Stegzy Gnomepants' Customer Service School. Today I am going to show you the key skills required to succeed in this line of work^*

1. Always give your friends first class service -

  If your friends are happy they will tell their friends about the good service they have had. Word of mouth is more powerful than advertising. Advertising costs lots. More money means wealthier bosses - wealthier bosses mean better working environment - better working environment means longer toilet breaks for you - you go home happy. So if your friend comes in treat them right. Chat to them for as long as you like. It doesn't matter about anybody else just make sure you look after your mates. If anyone complains then that's because they have no mates and they have no mates because they complain all the time.

 

2. Never Smile -

Smiling means you are being friendly. Remember the customer is the enemy and should not be befriended. Befriending a customer means everyone gets first class service. This costs money and time especially if you talk to every customer you come into contact with. Time = money

Also remember

Under no circumstances engage the customer in conversation -

Even the slightest hint of chumminess means one of the saddos will start calling in regularly. Regular contact develops into friendship and before long the saddo will be inviting you along to chess or bingo evenings and Star Trek Conventions and then every Colin, Barry and Douglas will be lining up expecting excellent service.

 

3. Never make Eye contact -

Customers are naturally stupid. Remember you are in charge not them. The only people allowed to make eye contact are highly skilled sales people. They have special one way contact lenses and eye contact is an excellent tool for breaking down defences. Making eye contact can reassure a customer that the piece of shit they are buying is a quality bargain but it can also show weakness to the unskilled CSRep.

REMEMBER :- Eye contact should only be made by highly skilled sales people except in confrontational situations in which case a mighty glare can make anyone have weak knees.

For more on eye contact see Appendix R. Tibetan Eye Combat Skills

 

4. They need you more than you need them -

The only reason you are in contact with a customer is because they think they want something you have. In reality they have something you want - MONEY and lots of it. No matter how many times someone protests or complains in reality they want to give you their money. Short of a good kicking most customers will happily part with their hard earned loot without second thought to the true cost therefore remember the following:-

1. Gauge your customers wealth status - The more money they appear to have the less they are likely to want to spend unless they appear to be competitive or "Keeping up with the Jones'" types. They will more than likely want the middle of the range product so show them that one and then try and push them up the range. They probably wont buy the better product but they will leave thinking "I should have got that more expensive product" and probably come back.
   
   
2. Less well off customers are more likely to pay double - They want the better products so that they look swish when their pals come round. Push the product that they can't afford and mention credit services. Remember the words "Interest" and "APR" mean little to most people under 40
   
   
3. If someone wants to complain give them to the customer complaints department - These people are highly skilled individuals and can convince customers they are getting something for nothing when in reality they aren't. Do not attempt to placate a pissed off customer with offers of goodies unless you are trained in the dark arts.

5. The Customer is always wrong -

 

No matter how right they think they are. Remember you are more knowledgeable of the products and services you can provide to them even if you actually know nothing about them at all. They may think they know the subtle nuances but they don't, unless of course they are an ex-member of staff in which case they should be referred to a manager who will dispose of them in a recognised place of refuse. The only exceptions to these rules are people who work in motor factor/ accessories shops (e.g. Halfords) and in High Street computer retailers (e.g. PC World, Time, Tiny etc) - If the customer had any knowledge of the subtle nuances of the product in the first place they would have gone to a specialist and bought the right thing in the first place.

 

6. Your time is more valuable than theirs -

Customers have bags of time as well as cash otherwise they wouldn't be bothering you with insignificant requests. Show your disdain for their wasting your time by tutting and sighing when they can't make up their mind. This will embarrass them into hurrying up and, although they will probably moan to their friends about how rude you were, they will probably buy the wrong thing and end up having to return. Besides you are unlikely to ever see them again anyway so what should you care?

7. The longer you postpone a problem the quicker it goes away -

This is especially true in CS in IT. The IT Monkey rule of "Ignore a problem long enough it will fix itself" is universal through out all areas of CS. So, if you are presented with a problem you don't think you can solve yourself or you think may reveal more shoddiness on behalf of your co-workers, ignore it; it will go away.

If paper work is involved, shove it in the bin inside something such as an envelope of a chip wrapper;

If there is an electronic record of the transaction or contact make sure you hide it well.

Electronic resources are easily traced so check within your department for the approved method of evidence disposal.

8. Only be pleasant when funds are changing hands -

Remember, the customer pays your wages, if you are unpleasant at the critical time the may go elsewhere with their funds.

This is true right up until the end of their period of statutory rights after which they are not your problem.

Remember you are welcome to postpone dealing with anything other than transfer of funds as long as it doesn't point back at you.

9. Every customer is stupid unless they speak to you in a civil tone

Phrases like "I don't know anything about xxxx", "You! Help me out with this" or "I'm too busy to be coming in", name dropping and airs of superiority by customers should be dealt with utter contempt. Only stupid customers would dare use such tactics.

Remember the customer doesn't know why they want something, it is up to you to tell them. It often helps if you explain in simple language or by pointing to diagrams.

Remember also that 80% of what you say to a customer will be forgotten an hour after the contact therefore when explaining important contractual obligations or financial things speed up your speech or bury the terms and conditions on the back of a piece of paper which they will never read until it is too late.

Rude customers are out to make money from your company or better their own means to an end. So if contact is in any shape or form uncivil you are well within your right to drag out any processes and make things three times as difficult for the customer than if they were pleasant to begin with. Eventually they will learn of their error and eventually, at some future point, calm down on advice of their doctor or start attending anger management sessions.

Finally,

10. Be smart with your rudeness -

A skilled CSRep can always insult a customer without them even knowing. This could be by indirect reference or by subtle ways i.e. misspelling of their name. In this day and age everyone gets offended easily so there are numerous methods of insult on the market.

However, if your insult is too direct or obvious you may be faced with difficulty and possibly reprimand so it is important that the insult is untraceable and can be easily reinterpreted by a third or independent party.

We would like to remind candidates that these rules are widely known amongst CS centre Workers and any discussion of these secrets is considered taboo though some will discuss their own methods and rules of successful CS after their period of employment has ended or if they work for a different contact/call centre than you.

So follow these guidelines and you will keep both the customer and your employers happy. Oh yes....indeedy ;-)

 

Thank you for reading.

---

^* - Disclaimer - This is entirely for fun and not indicative of all customer service in the UK. No offence, implication or accusation should be taken with anything described.

This post was originally posted on Livejournal

WTF?

Taking a break from the trials and tribulations of academic research I thought I’d spend a few minutes trying out something ucrazyutaraptor was having fun with the other week.

But first of all. I did a bit of research.

If you are unfamiliar with the phenomenon of Chatroulette....watch this....

chat roulette from Casey Neistat on Vimeo.

Anyway, much like Casey, in the film, I've had a bizarre experience. However, unlike Casey, I don't have a cute friend on hand. So What I did was ask the lovely Rev. Badger O'Hand to help out.....

What I’ve found most amusing is when the pervs mentioned in the film, which you will come across…believe me…keep on whacking their sausage and then rush for the “next” button when they see they’re actually spaffing to an image of a cuddly toy.

Of course, since the Reverend has been helping, my chats have increased. It seems that people feel a lot more comfortable talking to a synthetic badger than a real person with crazy hair. Of course, during these chats it would be rude of me to chat with them when they think they’re chatting to a badger, so I’ve been chatting to them in the “badger person”. With amusing results.

Anyway, I won’t bore you. I suggest you try Chatroulette (http://www.chatroulette.com) out yourself sometime. And, as a postscriptum, here are a few of the conversations I've had.

 
I went on to point out that he had no idea how old I was and he disconnected when I told him I was 9 years old

Some guys play along with amusing results.

I’ve also chatted with Michael from Halloween, a weird Brazillian male who thought Badger was a squirrel and had a dance with some crazy dudes with flowers…