Making the world a better place – Part one

Bloody hippies. Sitting there in their kaftans with their long hair and beards, weaving yogurts and floating vaginas. Why can’t they be pissed off and angry like everyone else.

Yes. Why not? I mean its such a lovely world isn’t it. People hating each other, blaming each other, being nasty to each other and complaining about anything to anybody who will listen and then complaining further when people don’t listen.

 

We have just had elections. Elections where every person who is angry with the current state of affairs in Europe and the UK took out their frustrations on the government by either not voting or by voting for far right loons. Great job! I’m sure we’ll laugh about it when jackbooted fucktards come a knocking to evict us from our homes for none compliance.

 

Of course there is a saying. Empty vessels make the most noise. Indeed,  this saying when applied to the current political landscape seems to ring true. Furthermore, this saying applies across all aspects of society. Just look at any newspaper (or news website) and you’ll read about how bad things are. How people in power are horrid. How people who do things do things selfishly or for the rubbing of their own ego, gain and gratification.

 

But what’s the one thing you don’t read about?

 

Nice people.

 

People doing good things.

 

Years ago, and I think I’ve already written about this before, people with lots and lots of money would look about and say:

“Fuck me, I have so much money from building railways/transporting slaves/eating jam <delete as applicable> I don’t know what to do with it!”

 

Then, armed with wads of cash they would do good things like building churches, hospitals, libraries, club houses or starting mutual societies and cooperatives. Benevolence. Generosity. All for eternal recognition.

 

In the UK at least, one only has to take a trip into their nearest town and find monuments to people who have donated or sacrificed something for the benefit of others. Did people moan about that then I wonder? Did the newspapers of the time bemoan the fact that some great benefactor donated land for use as a municipal park? Did people tut and mutter about it? Surely that land would be better used as a factory? Maybe? Who knows? I can’t be arsed to do the research but I imagine it wasn’t like that.

 

These days, being nasty gets you fame. Being awful and frightful gets you instant celebrity status, or so it seems. To me it seems that being awful and frightful is de rigueur . Think about it, companies don’t have compliments departments do they? Why is this? It is because there is more benefit in providing a shit service and employing people who spend all their day depleting their self-worth levels by listening to people blame them personally for the lack of service or whatever. I know, I used to be one of those employees.

 

So how can we turn the world into a better place? How can I get people to be nicer to each other? How can I get recognition for good deeds done to humanity?

 

You’ll just have to come back later and read all about it.

They’re all out to get me

Sometimes I can’t help feeling singled out.

Of course I know it’s nonsense but I like to think that the reason some things happen is because of a greater conspiracy. One involving the “Powers that be” be that the illuminati, the Government, MI5, Tescos, the man in the post office that looked like Elvis or whom-so-ever is in favour this week and Me. Of course, if you know me well you’ll know I really dont believe half the shit I spout but I gain great pleasure from trying to convince people that the fruits of my overactive imagination are real. Again those that know me well join in and make even more outlandish suggestions. Those that don’t look at me bewildered, confused and even concerned for my mental well being. But I assure you as I said, most of the conspiracy stuff is utter bollocks and I know it.

Anyway, today I mentioned in a comment on one of poggs‘ posts about buses how whenever I’m waiting for a bus none will show yet when Im not you cant move for the buggers. Which made me think. I’ve never really written about this side to me. Ok some people love it. Of course others hate it (probably because they think I really do believe the shite I spout) some even become hostile, which I find sad.

So. After that windfilled explanation on with the show….Here for your delight and mind to chew over, are how they are trying to undermine me….why? I haven’t a clue….possibly because Im the real heir to the throne….

Comes in threes

1. When I’m waiting for a bus or train :-

• a) millions of buses or trains that I can’t get will sail past empty yet mine will always be chockablock and infrequent.


• b) The bus or train I want will only come every 3 years even though


• c) The line of buses I cant get will go so far down the road from the bus stop that the bus I want cant see me and will go sailing past on its merry way.


• d) Some old myopic biddy (who is of course a secret agent for the sinister organisation) will flag my bus down and then wave it on because she doesn’t want it (without ANY consideration for others that may be waiting for it)

2. I’ll find some food/hair product I really like. Then mysteriously (like almost over night) it will disappear from the shop shelves. An example of this is Heinz Pepperoni Pizza’s. Yumtastic. Now you cant find them for love nor money.

3. I’ll find a restaurant that does really good quality food with really excellent service. When I take others to impress them the service is shite, the food substandard or its closed or changed management.

4. When in a rush I’ll always end up behind Mr “Slow and considerate” and in front of Mr “Im in a rush get a move on you twat”

5. Some fucker will go into my bag and discharge the battery on my MP3 Player the day I need to listen to it. The same fucker will do the same to my mobile phone when I’ve not got my charger.

6. Whenever I’m waiting for an important piece of mail. The postman (who is in the employ of the “sinister” organisation behind my persecution) will hold on to the post or accidently lose it on purpose.

People phone me

7. If I get excited over a particular TV listing, like so excited I cant wait and am bubbling with anticipation like a bottle of Grand Prix Mumm

• Some fucker will call on the phone when its on


• Some fucker will call round when its on


• Some famous fucker will die and it will be rescheduled (or delayed thus fucking up any video settings)


• Some fucker will do something tasteless and the program/film will be indefinitely postponed on the grounds of taste

8. If I get into a TV serial:-

• Be assured that someone will distract me and drag me away during a crucial moment


• I will forget (due to the mind rays that they beam at me) and miss key episodes


• It will be rescheduled to a time
  
  
  
  • - when I cant be bothered to stay up
  
  
  • - thats abhorrent to God
  
  
  • - when I’m at work
  
  
  • - when I’m otherwise occupied
  
  
  
  

9. When I really fancy a cup of tea, a bowl of cornflakes or something milk involved, sinister agents raid my fridge or turn any milk in it sour.

10. The expensive electrical gadget I covet for months turns out to be a turkey when I finally get the thing. Either that or I’ll buy it and a week later it’ll be like 50p for 3.

There are more….but they’ve turned the brain rays onto me again and I can’t remember what they are….

–

This post originally appeared in May 2005 on Livejournal. It has been reposted here for new audiences. When they arrive. One day….perhaps….

Daventry Elections 2014–Voting Day

Today is voting day, and, unless you’ve been hiding in a box or wilfully ignoring all information regarding politics, you should already know this. Ideally you should have gone out out and voted.

 

 

I learnt today that our modern, sacred and highly valued “DEMOCRACY” is an affront to the word democracy. It is offensive.  The candidate selection at the Daventry Elections today was as described in my earlier posts; grim.

 

Imagine having to choose one of the following to govern you:

Hitler

Stalin

Baby “Doc” Duvalier

Idi Amin

Nicolae Ceaușescu

 

Well, that’s how it felt today. I didn’t want to vote for any of them. They were all as bad as each other but not voting was not a choice. Two sheets of my democratic right in my hand, I marked crosses on the least most offensive candidates and popped them into the voting boxes.

 

I sincerely hope that we don’t end up with all of them in power.

Daventry Local Elections 2014

Well, the day is at hand. Tomorrow is election day and I am still to receive any form of communication (other than the tweets from Emma Collins) from any of the candidates running tomorrow.

 

I was unable to write profiles on the Liberal Democrat candidate or the Trade Unionist. Purely because I couldn’t find anything out about them. They too, like the Labour candidate, appear to not want to be elected and are happy to fritter away their deposit on a whim.

I suppose it’s like betting on horses or entering the National Lottery. Only with a higher stake.

 

It’s a sorry state of affairs when the candidates in the local area just aren’t bothered about promoting their cause. It’s a sorry state of affairs when potentially good candidates give up before they’ve even started the race.

 

Tomorrow I will vote in two elections. The local and the European. I know nothing about any of the candidates other than bold brags about how they are going to stand up. Well I’ve got news. I’m going to stand up.

 

None of you candidates are worth the lives of the thousands of soldiers who died in the Great War 100 years ago. Not one of you. You should be ashamed and you are an affront to democracy. No wonder that the youth are disconnected from politics. No wonder fascist groups are on the rise in the UK and EU. It is even no wonder great minds and thinkers are leaving this country for other more enlightened parts of the world. When people like you are all the people have to select as their voice once every few years. Prove me wrong. Come canvassing in Norton tomorrow. I’m in all day. Come and tell me why I should vote for you. Contact me via this blog, twitter or where ever. I’ll meet you. Convince me you are doing this for your own beliefs and not some misguided attempt at getting your name on a park bench when you die.

 

And so, to you dear reader, all I can urge you to do tomorrow is vote. Vote for the candidate you feel is worthy of the job of representing you in the European parliament. Vote for the candidate who you feel will do the best for your local area. Remember their promises and, if they default on them, use your greatest weapon against them to bring shame upon them. Your democratic vote and your freedom of speech.

 

While, of course, you still have them.

STOP PRESS–DAVENTRY LOCAL ELECTIONS 2014

Following on from yesterday’s twitter conversation with the Labour Candidate for Weedon Ward, Daventry, Northamptonshire in the Daventry Local Elections 2014. I received this tweet:

 

 

 

 

What does that mean? “We are not leafleting Weedon ward”? Well how are you going to get the electorate to know who you are and what you are going to stand for? How can the electorate be informed?

 

Imagine. “Yes, well we’re not going to tell people what our key products are we’re just going to open and hope for the best”

 

Only someone with totally misguided confidence would run in a local election and not tell the voters who they are and what they stand for. Good for you Mrs! Good for you! You’d have been better off spending the electoral deposit on something like a trip to Cromer. Or some cakes.

 

“Dav Labour Doing good work” – How? Where? What sort of work??

 

“Standing up for local services…” – On the bus because they need a seat? In a field? Doing the hokey cokey? – “…and a living wage for DDC staff”

 

Well as a member of the public who isn’t a member of Daventry District Council, what good is that for me?

 

Honestly! What on earth?! It’s as if she doesn’t want to win.

 

Ah well…The offer still stands…Come and tell me why I should vote for you…

Daventry Local Elections 2014 - Emma Collins

Every election - local, European or General - I offer the local candidates the opportunity to come and tell me why I should vote for them. This year I am providing insights into the candidates running in the Weedon ward in Daventry. And, so it seems, is the BBC. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-northamptonshire-27471122   --   Emma Tiny Picture Collins Today, Emma Collins – Labour. Now, considering that Daventry is a crucial Conservative hot spot you would expect a lot of campaigning by the opposition parties. Not so here in sleepy Norton. Sure, European election leaflets have fluttered unbidden onto my door mat but local candidates seem to be few and far between.  Considering the election is only a few days away, the opposition candidates had better get a move on if they want possible swing voters to make their minds up. I have no leaflet for Ms Collins. I knew nothing about her, her policies, what issues she feels strongly about or whether like Mr Smith she likes to have a poo in a field before standing up and fighting builders. With her fists. So, using my l33t skills and well honed research methods, I had a poke about on the internet to see what I could find out about Ms Collins. It’s scary what you can find about people online, or so they say. Heh, that’s why, I suppose, I don’t use my real name online. And never have. Anyway, I know where she lives but where’s the fun in that. I mean this kind of information is given by the election’s returning officer and in the election notices. Turning up unbidden on her doorstep is a bit creepy so I wouldn’t do that. Although I suppose I could go canvassing. You know like candidates do only as a voter…Or will that get me arrested…Maybe not eh? So the first port of call was Google. Using a bit of Googlefoo, I was able to find Ms Collins’ twitter account. So let’s do this in real time and send her a tweet…   I’ll post her response if it comes…. Her feed seems to be akin to Mr Chris “I’ll block you if you question my insistence that Margaret Thatcher was the best thing that happened to the UK” Heaton-Harris. Jokes, asides and retweets of the odd bit of opposition political linkage. Nothing that says “Hey, intarwebz, I am young and clued up about social media and know how to market myself as a potential politician! Vote for me!” Nothing that says “I’ll have a fight with navvies in a field if they so much as look at it through the windscreen of a JCB” In fact there’s nothing. Nothing political…Couple of possible leads but out of decency I won’t mention those. But I did find three Emma Collins on Facebook in the Northamptonshire area. None of which, look like the tiny picture above, they all look like they’re still in school. Ok, so let’s check the old Twitter feed…. Oooh! Look! She’s replied!     So it’s off to the local press. Good old Gusher. They are now part of Johnston Press so their website isn’t very good. Their weekly newspaper is often a bit low on gripping local news and is more akin to the old “Man who Once Passed through Daventry Met Elvis” kind of headline. But none-the-less, we should all use our local press or we will lose them. And then where would we be for news about Angry People, new toasters in Estate agents or cats stuck up trees. Anyway, a quick search on the site brings me: Nothing. Nada. Not a peep. A few articles containing the words “EMMA” and “COLLINS” but nothing about our candidate. Meh. -- Maybe my skills aren’t as l33t as I think. Maybe Emma Collins is still waiting for her leaflets to come back from Vistaprint. Maybe she’s going to pull out all the stops on Thursday by filling the sky with giant letters explaining what her policies are. Maybe now she’s heard of me, she’ll take me up on my offer of joining me in the White Horse in Norton so she can tell me why I should vote for her.   Or maybe not.   I’ll let you know if she gets back to me before Thursday…

Daventry Local Elections 2014–David Smith

Continuing my insights into the local council elections in Daventry, covering the Weedon ward.

“Parliamentary politics do not belong in local government” – Mr Pritchard, Barnsley

Too true. And yet most local elections end up being a barney between central government sponsored councillors. It makes me wonder where all the funding put into the promotion of the candidate goes, because they surely can’t be spending it on the crappy, poorly spelt leaflets that they shove through the door when everyone is at work.
Today – David Smith, Conservative
--

David "Don't Pick on me" Smith

This is he. I think. He looks like the kind of person one might have experienced at school. The one who hangs around with the School Governor's kid as their minion.
Oh look….

Vote for us or we'll have your lunch money

I was right…There he is with the school governor's kid. Chris Heaton-“I block people I disagree with on Twitter”-Harris.
The leaflet that one of his acolytes posted through my door is laid out as a letter on one side and what he’s going to do on the other.
Apparently  he is the:

“Local Choice for Weedon Ward”

Which is curious as for once, they’re all local people.
He’s also a “Hard working local campaigner” and he is “Standing up for the issues that matter to you and your family”.
Really? He must be very tired. I look forward to meeting him in the White Horse, Norton, so he can stand and tell me about these issues and why I should vote for him.
He’s lived in Weedon for 7 years with two daughters and two grandchildren. Two grandchildren? Really? At your age?
He is a local business man who has run a successful business  for the past few years. What that business is, I have no idea. Perhaps it is yoghurt weaving.
He’s been a member of the Weedon Neighbourhood Planning Group – never heard of them, and believed that local people deserve a say over the way their village looks and feels – That’s nice of him.

Standing up for issues by having a shite

He will be campaigning against large scale and inappropriate developments in our future  - so that’s the proposed Giant Phallus development scuppered.
He also mentions broadband, the Weedon Bypass and Over development – yes, those pesky washed out photographs are a nuisance.
He hopes to me me on my doorstep during his campaign. I hope so too. Then he can tell me:
- What he’s going to do about fuel prices in Daventry
- How he’s going to increase sustainable employment opportunities in Daventry
- What he’s going to say when he’s enjoying a council tax paid for lunch at my expense (and it better not be “Thanks”)
On the reverse there are three priorities highlighted.
Protecting our villages – He’s going to fight to ensure our villages remain preserved and unspoilt. I look forward to seeing him getting into fisticuffs with 20 burly navvies who are trying to erect a housing estate.

David Smith wants to fight with builders and planners. Something I'd pay to watch.

Fight over development in our villages – Yes, Max Spielmann must be stopped!

Give you a voice – I have one. You’re reading it.

He goes on to talk about what has been achieved so far:

Low council tax – really? Can’t say I’ve noticed

Opposition to inefficient windfarms – If they were inefficient, there wouldn’t be so many of them.

Improving frontline services – I’m sure the Tommies will be pleased. Over the top please…

Attracting inward investment into our district – Yeah, that’s taxes in another language. There should be more investment in the area, agreed, but not just at the expense of the people that live here

Smithy reckons he built this with his bear hands.

A new University Technical College – You did that single handed did you? I don’t think so.

Standing up for local people to protect our beautiful countryside – Have a seat mate.

Weekly food waste collection service – An EU requirement, not something you can take credit for I’m afraid.

Supporting DACT and Advice Daventry – How? Please explain.

Free parking throughout our district – Except at the country park.

Working for more affordable housing – Whilst stamping on development and proposals for new housing? That’s a bit contradictory. Please explain.

Look out! He's standing up! In the countryside! He's looking for a fight!!

I smell the freshness of the countryside. Oh no, sorry it’s the shite pouring from your election leaflet.
--
The offer still stands Mr David Smith. Come and tell me why I should vote for you in the 2014 Daventry Local Elections. Stand up and tell me. Like you promised.