Thursday 29 May 2014

Making the world a better place – Part one

1229890_10151921498761300_537553279_nBloody hippies. Sitting there in their kaftans with their long hair and beards, weaving yogurts and floating vaginas. Why can’t they be pissed off and angry like everyone else.


Yes. Why not? I mean its such a lovely world isn’t it. People hating each other, blaming each other, being nasty to each other and complaining about anything to anybody who will listen and then complaining further when people don’t listen.

 

We have just had elections. Elections where every person who is angry with the current state of affairs in Europe and the UK took out their frustrations on the government by either not voting or by voting for far right loons. Great job! I’m sure we’ll laugh about it when jackbooted fucktards come a knocking to evict us from our homes for none compliance.

 

empty vesselsOf course there is a saying. Empty vessels make the most noise. Indeed,  this saying when applied to the current political landscape seems to ring true. Furthermore, this saying applies across all aspects of society. Just look at any newspaper (or news website) and you’ll read about how bad things are. How people in power are horrid. How people who do things do things selfishly or for the rubbing of their own ego, gain and gratification.

 

But what’s the one thing you don’t read about?

 

Nice people.

 

People doing good things.

 

Years ago, and I think I’ve already written about this before, people with lots and lots of money would look about and say:

“Fuck me, I have so much money from building railways/transporting slaves/eating jam <delete as applicable> I don’t know what to do with it!”

 

Then, armed with wads of cash they would do good things like building churches, hospitals, libraries, club houses or starting mutual societies and cooperatives. Benevolence. Generosity. All for eternal recognition.

 

monIn the UK at least, one only has to take a trip into their nearest town and find monuments to people who have donated or sacrificed something for the benefit of others. Did people moan about that then I wonder? Did the newspapers of the time bemoan the fact that some great benefactor donated land for use as a municipal park? Did people tut and mutter about it? Surely that land would be better used as a factory? Maybe? Who knows? I can’t be arsed to do the research but I imagine it wasn’t like that.

 

These days, being nasty gets you fame. Being awful and frightful gets you instant celebrity status, or so it seems. To me it seems that being awful and frightful is de rigueur . Think about it, companies don’t have compliments departments do they? Why is this? It is because there is more benefit in providing a shit service and employing people who spend all their day depleting their self-worth levels by listening to people blame them personally for the lack of service or whatever. I know, I used to be one of those employees.

 

So how can we turn the world into a better place? How can I get people to be nicer to each other? How can I get recognition for good deeds done to humanity?

 

You’ll just have to come back later and read all about it.

Tuesday 27 May 2014

They’re all out to get me

Sometimes I can’t help feeling singled out.


Of course I know it’s nonsense but I like to think that the reason some things happen is because of a greater conspiracy. One involving the “Powers that be” be that the illuminati, the Government, MI5, Tescos, the man in the post office that looked like Elvis or whom-so-ever is in favour this week and Me. Of course, if you know me well you’ll know I really dont believe half the shit I spout but I gain great pleasure from trying to convince people that the fruits of my overactive imagination are real. Again those that know me well join in and make even more outlandish suggestions. Those that don’t look at me bewildered, confused and even concerned for my mental well being. But I assure you as I said, most of the conspiracy stuff is utter bollocks and I know it.


Anyway, today I mentioned in a comment on one of poggs‘ posts about buses how whenever I’m waiting for a bus none will show yet when Im not you cant move for the buggers. Which made me think. I’ve never really written about this side to me. Ok some people love it. Of course others hate it (probably because they think I really do believe the shite I spout) some even become hostile, which I find sad.


So. After that windfilled explanation on with the show….Here for your delight and mind to chew over, are how they are trying to undermine me….why? I haven’t a clue….possibly because Im the real heir to the throne….


IMG_0441

Comes in threes



1. When I’m waiting for a bus or train :-



  • a) millions of buses or trains that I can’t get will sail past empty yet mine will always be chockablock and infrequent.

  • b) The bus or train I want will only come every 3 years even though

  • c) The line of buses I cant get will go so far down the road from the bus stop that the bus I want cant see me and will go sailing past on its merry way.

  • d) Some old myopic biddy (who is of course a secret agent for the sinister organisation) will flag my bus down and then wave it on because she doesn’t want it (without ANY consideration for others that may be waiting for it)


2. I’ll find some food/hair product I really like. Then mysteriously (like almost over night) it will disappear from the shop shelves. An example of this is Heinz Pepperoni Pizza’s. Yumtastic. Now you cant find them for love nor money.


3. I’ll find a restaurant that does really good quality food with really excellent service. When I take others to impress them the service is shite, the food substandard or its closed or changed management.


4. When in a rush I’ll always end up behind Mr “Slow and considerate” and in front of Mr “Im in a rush get a move on you twat”


5. Some fucker will go into my bag and discharge the battery on my MP3 Player the day I need to listen to it. The same fucker will do the same to my mobile phone when I’ve not got my charger.


6. Whenever I’m waiting for an important piece of mail. The postman (who is in the employ of the “sinister” organisation behind my persecution) will hold on to the post or accidently lose it on purpose.


Phone box Post box

People phone me



7. If I get excited over a particular TV listing, like so excited I cant wait and am bubbling with anticipation like a bottle of Grand Prix Mumm



  • Some fucker will call on the phone when its on

  • Some fucker will call round when its on

  • Some famous fucker will die and it will be rescheduled (or delayed thus fucking up any video settings)

  • Some fucker will do something tasteless and the program/film will be indefinitely postponed on the grounds of taste


8. If I get into a TV serial:-



  • Be assured that someone will distract me and drag me away during a crucial moment

  • I will forget (due to the mind rays that they beam at me) and miss key episodes

  • It will be rescheduled to a time

    • - when I cant be bothered to stay up

    • - thats abhorrent to God

    • - when I’m at work

    • - when I’m otherwise occupied




9. When I really fancy a cup of tea, a bowl of cornflakes or something milk involved, sinister agents raid my fridge or turn any milk in it sour.


10. The expensive electrical gadget I covet for months turns out to be a turkey when I finally get the thing. Either that or I’ll buy it and a week later it’ll be like 50p for 3.


There are more….but they’ve turned the brain rays onto me again and I can’t remember what they are….



This post originally appeared in May 2005 on Livejournal. It has been reposted here for new audiences. When they arrive. One day….perhaps….




Thursday 22 May 2014

Daventry Elections 2014–Voting Day

Today is voting day, and, unless you’ve been hiding in a box or wilfully ignoring all information regarding politics, you should already know this. Ideally you should have gone out out and voted.

 

 

I learnt today that our modern, sacred and highly valued “DEMOCRACY” is an affront to the word democracy. It is offensive.  The candidate selection at the Daventry Elections today was as described in my earlier posts; grim.

 

Imagine having to choose one of the following to govern you:

Hitler

Stalin

Baby “Doc” Duvalier

Idi Amin

Nicolae Ceaușescu

 

Well, that’s how it felt today. I didn’t want to vote for any of them. They were all as bad as each other but not voting was not a choice. Two sheets of my democratic right in my hand, I marked crosses on the least most offensive candidates and popped them into the voting boxes.

 

I sincerely hope that we don’t end up with all of them in power.

Wednesday 21 May 2014

Daventry Local Elections 2014

Well, the day is at hand. Tomorrow is election day and I am still to receive any form of communication (other than the tweets from Emma Collins) from any of the candidates running tomorrow.

 

I was unable to write profiles on the Liberal Democrat candidate or the Trade Unionist. Purely because I couldn’t find anything out about them. They too, like the Labour candidate, appear to not want to be elected and are happy to fritter away their deposit on a whim.

download

I suppose it’s like betting on horses or entering the National Lottery. Only with a higher stake.

 

It’s a sorry state of affairs when the candidates in the local area just aren’t bothered about promoting their cause. It’s a sorry state of affairs when potentially good candidates give up before they’ve even started the race.

 

Tomorrow I will vote in two elections. The local and the European. I know nothing about any of the candidates other than bold brags about how they are going to stand up. Well I’ve got news. I’m going to stand up.

 

None of you candidates are worth the lives of the thousands of soldiers who died in the Great War 100 years ago. Not one of you. You should be ashamed and you are an affront to democracy. No wonder that the youth are disconnected from politics. No wonder fascist groups are on the rise in the UK and EU. It is even no wonder great minds and thinkers are leaving this country for other more enlightened parts of the world. When people like you are all the people have to select as their voice once every few years. Prove me wrong. Come canvassing in Norton tomorrow. I’m in all day. Come and tell me why I should vote for you. Contact me via this blog, twitter or where ever. I’ll meet you. Convince me you are doing this for your own beliefs and not some misguided attempt at getting your name on a park bench when you die.

 

And so, to you dear reader, all I can urge you to do tomorrow is vote. Vote for the candidate you feel is worthy of the job of representing you in the European parliament. Vote for the candidate who you feel will do the best for your local area. Remember their promises and, if they default on them, use your greatest weapon against them to bring shame upon them. Your democratic vote and your freedom of speech.

 

While, of course, you still have them.

STOP PRESS–DAVENTRY LOCAL ELECTIONS 2014

Following on from yesterday’s twitter conversation with the Labour Candidate for Weedon Ward, Daventry, Northamptonshire in the Daventry Local Elections 2014. I received this tweet:

 

 

tweet3

 

 

What does that mean? “We are not leafleting Weedon ward”? Well how are you going to get the electorate to know who you are and what you are going to stand for? How can the electorate be informed?

 

Imagine. “Yes, well we’re not going to tell people what our key products are we’re just going to open and hope for the best”

 

Only someone with totally misguided confidence would run in a local election and not tell the voters who they are and what they stand for. Good for you Mrs! Good for you! You’d have been better off spending the electoral deposit on something like a trip to Cromer. Or some cakes.

 

“Dav Labour Doing good work” – How? Where? What sort of work??

 

“Standing up for local services…” – On the bus because they need a seat? In a field? Doing the hokey cokey? – “…and a living wage for DDC staff”

 

Well as a member of the public who isn’t a member of Daventry District Council, what good is that for me?

 

Honestly! What on earth?! It’s as if she doesn’t want to win.

 

Ah well…The offer still stands…Come and tell me why I should vote for you…

Tuesday 20 May 2014

Daventry Local Elections 2014 - Emma Collins

Every election - local, European or General - I offer the local candidates the opportunity to come and tell me why I should vote for them. This year I am providing insights into the candidates running in the Weedon ward in Daventry. And, so it seems, is the BBC. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-northamptonshire-27471122   --   collins Emma Tiny Picture Collins Today, Emma Collins – Labour. Now, considering that Daventry is a crucial Conservative hot spot you would expect a lot of campaigning by the opposition parties. Not so here in sleepy Norton. Sure, European election leaflets have fluttered unbidden onto my door mat but local candidates seem to be few and far between.  Considering the election is only a few days away, the opposition candidates had better get a move on if they want possible swing voters to make their minds up. I have no leaflet for Ms Collins. I knew nothing about her, her policies, what issues she feels strongly about or whether like Mr Smith she likes to have a poo in a field before standing up and fighting builders. With her fists. So, using my l33t skills and well honed research methods, I had a poke about on the internet to see what I could find out about Ms Collins. It’s scary what you can find about people online, or so they say. Heh, that’s why, I suppose, I don’t use my real name online. And never have. Anyway, I know where she lives but where’s the fun in that. I mean this kind of information is given by the election’s returning officer and in the election notices. Turning up unbidden on her doorstep is a bit creepy so I wouldn’t do that. Although I suppose I could go canvassing. You know like candidates do only as a voter…Or will that get me arrested…Maybe not eh? So the first port of call was Google. Using a bit of Googlefoo, I was able to find Ms Collins’ twitter account. So let’s do this in real time and send her a tweet…   tweet1 I’ll post her response if it comes…. Her feed seems to be akin to Mr Chris “I’ll block you if you question my insistence that Margaret Thatcher was the best thing that happened to the UK” Heaton-Harris. Jokes, asides and retweets of the odd bit of opposition political linkage. Nothing that says “Hey, intarwebz, I am young and clued up about social media and know how to market myself as a potential politician! Vote for me!” Nothing that says “I’ll have a fight with navvies in a field if they so much as look at it through the windscreen of a JCB” In fact there’s nothing. Nothing political…Couple of possible leads but out of decency I won’t mention those. But I did find three Emma Collins on Facebook in the Northamptonshire area. None of which, look like the tiny picture above, they all look like they’re still in school. Ok, so let’s check the old Twitter feed…. Oooh! Look! She’s replied!   tweet2   So it’s off to the local press. Good old Gusher. They are now part of Johnston Press so their website isn’t very good. Their weekly newspaper is often a bit low on gripping local news and is more akin to the old “Man who Once Passed through Daventry Met Elvis” kind of headline. But none-the-less, we should all use our local press or we will lose them. And then where would we be for news about Angry People, new toasters in Estate agents or cats stuck up trees. Anyway, a quick search on the site brings me: Nothing. Nada. Not a peep. A few articles containing the words “EMMA” and “COLLINS” but nothing about our candidate. Meh. -- Maybe my skills aren’t as l33t as I think. Maybe Emma Collins is still waiting for her leaflets to come back from Vistaprint. Maybe she’s going to pull out all the stops on Thursday by filling the sky with giant letters explaining what her policies are. Maybe now she’s heard of me, she’ll take me up on my offer of joining me in the White Horse in Norton so she can tell me why I should vote for her.   Or maybe not.   I’ll let you know if she gets back to me before Thursday…

Sunday 18 May 2014

Daventry Local Elections 2014–David Smith


Continuing my insights into the local council elections in Daventry, covering the Weedon ward.

“Parliamentary politics do not belong in local government” – Mr Pritchard, Barnsley

Too true. And yet most local elections end up being a barney between central government sponsored councillors. It makes me wonder where all the funding put into the promotion of the candidate goes, because they surely can’t be spending it on the crappy, poorly spelt leaflets that they shove through the door when everyone is at work.
Today – David Smith, Conservative
--

David Smith
David "Don't Pick on me" Smith

This is he. I think. He looks like the kind of person one might have experienced at school. The one who hangs around with the School Governor's kid as their minion.
Oh look….

Untitled-2
Vote for us or we'll have your lunch money

I was right…There he is with the school governor's kid. Chris Heaton-“I block people I disagree with on Twitter”-Harris.
The leaflet that one of his acolytes posted through my door is laid out as a letter on one side and what he’s going to do on the other.
Apparently  he is the:
“Local Choice for Weedon Ward”
Which is curious as for once, they’re all local people.
He’s also a “Hard working local campaigner” and he is “Standing up for the issues that matter to you and your family”.
Really? He must be very tired. I look forward to meeting him in the White Horse, Norton, so he can stand and tell me about these issues and why I should vote for him.
He’s lived in Weedon for 7 years with two daughters and two grandchildren. Two grandchildren? Really? At your age?
He is a local business man who has run a successful business  for the past few years. What that business is, I have no idea. Perhaps it is yoghurt weaving.
He’s been a member of the Weedon Neighbourhood Planning Group – never heard of them, and believed that local people deserve a say over the way their village looks and feels – That’s nice of him.

Shitting
Standing up for issues by having a shite


He will be campaigning against large scale and inappropriate developments in our future  - so that’s the proposed Giant Phallus development scuppered.
He also mentions broadband, the Weedon Bypass and Over development – yes, those pesky washed out photographs are a nuisance.
He hopes to me me on my doorstep during his campaign. I hope so too. Then he can tell me:
- What he’s going to do about fuel prices in Daventry
- How he’s going to increase sustainable employment opportunities in Daventry
- What he’s going to say when he’s enjoying a council tax paid for lunch at my expense (and it better not be “Thanks”)
On the reverse there are three priorities highlighted.
Protecting our villages – He’s going to fight to ensure our villages remain preserved and unspoilt. I look forward to seeing him getting into fisticuffs with 20 burly navvies who are trying to erect a housing estate.

feeting darn pontie way
David Smith wants to fight with builders and planners. Something I'd pay to watch.



Fight over development in our villages – Yes, Max Spielmann must be stopped!

Give you a voice – I have one. You’re reading it.

He goes on to talk about what has been achieved so far:

Low council tax – really? Can’t say I’ve noticed

Opposition to inefficient windfarms – If they were inefficient, there wouldn’t be so many of them.

Improving frontline services – I’m sure the Tommies will be pleased. Over the top please…

Attracting inward investment into our district – Yeah, that’s taxes in another language. There should be more investment in the area, agreed, but not just at the expense of the people that live here

icon
Smithy reckons he built this with his bear hands.


A new University Technical College – You did that single handed did you? I don’t think so.

Standing up for local people to protect our beautiful countryside – Have a seat mate.

Weekly food waste collection service – An EU requirement, not something you can take credit for I’m afraid.

Supporting DACT and Advice Daventry – How? Please explain.

Free parking throughout our district – Except at the country park.

Working for more affordable housing – Whilst stamping on development and proposals for new housing? That’s a bit contradictory. Please explain.
Or he's going for a stroll.
Look out! He's standing up! In the countryside! He's looking for a fight!!


I smell the freshness of the countryside. Oh no, sorry it’s the shite pouring from your election leaflet.
--
The offer still stands Mr David Smith. Come and tell me why I should vote for you in the 2014 Daventry Local Elections. Stand up and tell me. Like you promised.

Daventry Local Elections 2014–John Gale

daventry-mb21-01One of the differences with local elections that I have noticed here in Daventry is that the local candidates like to shove leaflets through the door.
In Brierley, I think we only had one or two leaflets through the door with the majority of local political news coming from the Barnsley Chronicle.
Here in Daventry, the local press The Daventry Express or “The Gusher”, is as political as The Beano. I understand that such is the fate of local newspapers.
I’ve also noticed that local candidates here don’t seem to use the internet effectively. So as a favour, I will examine each of the candidates that shove leaflets through my door. Right here….On the internets…..for ALL to see.

Today is John Clifford Gale
Full of wind
Full of Wind


John Clifford Gale is, according to his leaflet, my UKIP candidate for Daventry District Council Weedon Ward. He has lived in Northamptonshire for 35 years and has worked on the parish council in Brington
On the front of his leaflet:-
We Don’t Just Need a Breath of Fresh Air. We Need A Gale
Really? We need strong winds in the area? Damage to trees, chimneys and rooftops? I don’t think so

Not only is this country governed by Brussels – your local councils are governed by their political parties.
Curious. There I was thinking my taxes went to fund booze orgies for the privileged in London. So what’s with all the goings on in London then? If the country is being governed by Brussels why am I paying for Cameron's cronies?
Then you say that my local councils are governed by their political parties…
Ok, let me look at the list of candidates again. Yep, UKIP, Tory, Labour, Libdem…nope….I can’t see any parties from Brussels there. Christian Democrats? Nope can’t see them. Social Democrats? Nope. Oooh ooh LIBERAL DEMOCRATS! I can see them. But they’re only a weak ineffective wedge in government and hardly swamping us with ineffectual laws and policies.
On the reverse of the leaflet:-
John Gale believes that:
The new housing development planned for New Croft Weedon should be questioned
Really? The residents and the buildings? The planners? Or the people on the council who allowed it? Well, it’s UKIP so I suspect he means the residents. Drag them in for questioning! Why do you not conform? Why?! Why?!
We deserve a review of our local bus services
Why? There are more buses here in the Daventry district than anywhere else I’ve lived. Heck, there’s even a bus that goes past my house once a week. Unless you mean that the only thing we deserve is a review of local bus services. You know, so you can carry on with your sinister shenanigans in the council chambers unbridled.
Let’s see more Police around our district
More police? Oh yes of course, because as a member of a local council you have control over police budgets and policing levels. No doubt the need for more police will be so that Mr Gale and his jack booted friends can make sure the electorate are conforming and doing as they are told.
Dog fouling is out of control
John Clifford Gale is Full of shite
Shit shit everywhere
Out of control! That must mean that there are heaps and heaps of dog shit filling the streets. Poor little urchins wander through the lanes and byways of the region, knee deep in festering poop crying and begging for a small morsel of food.  Oh the horror. The smell. The humanity.
The only shite I’ve seen around Norton is this leaflet Mr John Clifford Gale has pushed through my door. That’s out of control.
Wind farms will ruin our stunning local landscape

Oh the railways/canals will spoil the countryside and go through our lands”. That’s what your lot said about the railways Mr Gale. We dun’t liek change round here
millsnpylons
Which is nicer?
Windfarms will bring lots of lovely cheap energy and remove the need of marching pylons in the area. Moreso than a high speed white elephant stretching from London to Birmingham sucking all the regional talent away from the areas that need them most.
There should be more Local Surgery Facilities

Really? Is this so your jackbooted friends can perform labotomies on those that don’t conform? Or do you mean Surgeries run by the local politician? Or perhaps you mean more facilities in the local surgeries? You know like slides, snack bars, bingo for the over 60s…that kind of thing?
Pot Holes: Enough is enough
I had a pot hole once. Curiously it was filled the other week.
I’m sorry Mr John Clifford Gale, UKIP candidate in Weedon ward, Daventry. Your beliefs as advertised on your leaflet do not appeal to me. Tell me about what you’re going to do about the shit broadband speed in the area. Tell me about what you are going to do about the speeding idiots that pass my house every day? Tell me what you’re going to do to encourage employment, education and facilities in the Daventry area. Dog shit, windfarms and coffee shops at the doctors aren’t going to cut the mustard.

Come on. John Clifford Gale, UKIP Candidate for Weedon, Daventry. Take me up on my challenge and tell me face to face why I should vote for you.

Saturday 17 May 2014

Sunny Days

As the sun gets stronger through the year and the days get warmer and brighter, our thoughts turn to outdoor pursuits. Walking, picnicing, nose picking, porn foraging and, most popular of all, barbecues.


Now, I’ve got a thing about barbecues. I used to love ‘em. Nuked meat Russian roulette. You either get a charcoal cinder or a black and crusty raw and bloody surprise. Love em.


However these days I realise the horror of having barbecues. The hours of slaving over red hot coals ensuring your guests have ample mountains of food (most of which you’ll either under or over accommodate for) knocking back beer after beer in an attempt to keep up with the guests who are getting merrier by the minute because they are sat down in comfort while you serve their every whim.


Then you get to sit down. You get the cold soggy left over bits that nobody wanted. The suspicious looking burger. The dodgy looking kebab. The insidious looking chicken wings or quarters that will no doubt still be raw in the middle even after being on the heat for what seems like 30 years. The limp lettuce. The flaccid overcooked sausages. All the good, tasty looking bits have gone. Your feet ache. You’re not as pissed as everyone else there. It’s clouding over. People are starting to make “Lets go home now” motions.


Yeah. Thats fun.


Isn’t it?


No. The thing I like about barbecues is going. Sitting there while my host slaves over hot coals. Getting merrier and merrier because I’m sat down chatting old toot with the other guests. Getting plied with food, nibbles and drink by my host and his/her partner. Relaxing. Enjoying the time. Getting the nice juicy steak. The right looking sausages, the burgers that don’t look too over or under done. The chicken pieces that aren’t still squarking. Getting them all for myself. Leaving the other less attractive bits to the chef or what other poor sod turns up just before I get to go home.


Then once my gizzard is full and I am fully sated with beer and meat. I can then yawn. Make some shit excuse about having an early morning, and go home. Leaving the host to clear up.


Yeah. I like barbecues.




Thursday 15 May 2014

Holidays

While going through and updating old posts, I came across this one. I thought it apt seeing as I am off on my jollies soon.


Please enjoy this entry from 2008


—-


So there I am lapping up Council-by-Sea thinking to myself just how did the British seaside get into such an appalling state of grotesqueness. When it struck me. In the 70′s/80′s when package holidays to Magaluf and Torremolinos cost about ten shillings, those that previously lapped it up in the likes of Butlins and Pontins legged it to these sunnier climes.


Thus the rot started. Less people spending money at the seaside means less money for the attractions. Old people retire to these once bustling resorts, too old and poor to maintain the once grand 4 storey Victorian and Edwardian terraces, the area looks shabby. Because the place looks shabby nobody wants to go and eventually you end up with the likes of Llandudno or Rhos-On-Sea or New Brighton. A sad state of affairs.


So like I said, I’m musing on this and it struck me like a bag of wasps. How come, during this lull, nobody ever thought of rebranding the seaside? I mean like strolling down the promenade being assaulted with the sickly stench of fish and chips, doughnuts and last nights vomit is not everybody’s cup of tea really now is it? I mean yeah I wax lyrical about the joy one can experience by rolling up ones trousers to the knees, donning a knotted hankerchief on ones head while sitting in a red and white striped deckchair on Blackpool seafront in the piss cold rain. I know poncing about on the dodgems makes some people think they’re James Dean or some other teen icon. But really, those days have passed. What is needed is a careful bit of rebranding. Instead of Council-on-Sea, maybe there should be Gated-Community-Le-Mer. Instead of the Sun readers flocking in their hordes to resorts like Skegness and Scarborough, try and attract those nice Guardian readers instead. Something which should have been done during the lull in trade in the 80′s. The reinvention of the British Seaside.


Of course the wife said I was being daft because the concept of rebranding is only a recent thing. I disagreed though, saying that the reason resorts didn’t rebrand was purely because of those in control of the local council. Nobody, especially a British person, likes change. As local councils are full of old fuddyduddies the likelihood of change in such circumstances is virtually nil. Indeed some councils went through the good old “whoops what a shame the lido caught fire so now we have to pull it down and build luxury apartments on it” strategy but this too is self defeating, like who would want to live in a seaside town where there isn’t anything to do? Not me!


So in my new rebranded seaside gone are the old and in with the new.



The pier – totally refurbished, instead of tack and rock shops – designer boutiques


Tatty victorian terraces and guest houses – replaced by luxurious, totally serviced apartments with self contained gyms, spas and creches


Icecream – Icecream, as you know is fattening and not everybody can eat it. Instead, healthy frozen fruit juices, sorbets and fruit on a stick.


Amusement arcades – These tend to attract the wrong sort of people so they’ll be bulldozed. Of course the penny cascade things can stay as they’re harmless enough but the noisy modern arcade games can go. Instead of arcades, however, a change to small, members only casinos.


Fish and Chips – Everybody knows, fish and chips are really bad for you. They make you fat and can cause heart disease. Instead stylish culinary delights in the form of swanky but affordable seafood restuarants. A whole new dining experience. Similar to those you might see in resorts on the continent. Where passers-by have to wrestle with the waiters attempting to lure them in with promises of a good meal.


Kiss-Me-Quick hats – In this day and age of paedophiles, rapists and shifty men with greasy hair and sweat stained tshirts such things should not be encouraged. Instead Kiss me and you’ll receive an assault charge hats. Designed, of course, by Gucci or maybe even Gok Wan.


Donkey rides – Riding donkeys, as every decent person knows, is exploitative and cruel so such a recreation would not be available in Gated-Community-le-Mer. Besides which it is much healthier to walk places.


Y List Celebrities from yesteryear in end of pier shows – Sadly it comes to every performer that they will spend their remaining working life on an end of pier show before disappearing into obscurity. Ant and Dec are heading that way as is Simon Cowell. So why prolong their agony (and indeed the risk of being rediscovered) and banish such crap. Besides, the type of show that goes on at the end of the pier normally involves some blue humour, weak family jokes and some bloke pulling knotted hankies out of a hat. Bollocks. Nobody wants to see that anymore. So instead, Broadway shows; Profound political or philosophical plays; lively debates and maybe some nice music from whichever artist is trendy to have in ones collection these days.


Screaming kids – the seaside, as every parent knows, is not a safe place for children. What with sand allergies, the risk of jellyfish stings, sea monsters and even people taking pictures of their own family which might capture your kids image too trapping their soul forever in some 2 dimensional vortex like in Superman II or that episode of Sapphire and Steel. Indeed while freedom of expression is healthy for a child, the seaside is not the place for them. Far too many dangers. Instead the rotting chalets and beach huts can be converted into soundproof, paedophile safe, allergy free, hermetic containers for children. Simply place the child in and leave until such time as you need to return. Of course you could just not bring the little shit in the first place.


Old People – Old people don’t belong at the seaside. In Gated-Community-la-Mer, old people will be restricted to certain “oodyarememberwen” zones. Safe. Warm. Miles away.


Fairgrounds – Fairgrounds attract the unwashed. Bulldozing them (or accidentally on purpose setting them on fire (the fairgrounds that is, not the unwashed)) would solve this problem. In their place, delightful formal gardens to promenade around. Of course the gardens would have to cater for those with allergies so any flower within would, of course, be artificial.



See even with just a few paragraphs I have turned an atypical British Seaside resort into a place where YOU would want to go. Yes YOU because that is what market research has shown and as we all know nobody can argue with market research.


If I go….I’ll send you a postcard email.




Abridged version


Seasides -> Bulldoze them.




Wednesday 14 May 2014

Local Elections 2014

daventry-mb21-01It’s the local elections in Daventry in May this year. As readers of my last post will recall I mentioned that I do something during election time. As long term readers will recall, every election time I offer the opportunity for all candidates to present their case as to why I should vote for them to me personally, in my local pub over a pint or on my couch over a cup of tea.

Historically, I have offered this opportunity since the dark days of Livejournal when I lived in Liverpool and only had two candidates to choose from in my local area. Since then I have offered it both in Barnsley and Leamington Spa where no candidates took me up on my offer.

I was almost not going to bother this year but something happened last year when I moved to Daventry that made me think I’d give it another go.

Daventry is an odd place. It’s older than the hills and yet as modern as Milton Keynes or Warrington. It was as if Daventry was used as a practice during the design of new towns. Thoughtfully zoned areas linked by expressways and peppered with green space. It’s lovely. Internet is a bit pants mind but I couldn’t think of anywhere nicer to live. Except maybe Monaco. Or maybe Bonaire.

The people are very friendly in a way that is akin to one of the more northern areas than one would expect from a small provincial town teetering on the borders of the great North South divide. Yes, that’s right, people actually talk to each other. Something unthinkable in London.

doortodoorLast year when I moved to Daventry I had a knock on the door from a canvassing local politician. I was so shocked. Unfortunately I had only just moved into the area and hadn’t had time to register to vote in time for the election.  So I would have been wasting his time.


Since then I have tried to become more involved with local politics when my work allows. I’ve done this by annoying the local MP Chris Heaton Harris by asking him, via Twitter, to think about his heroine, Margaret Thatcher’s, impact on miners which resulted in him blocking me and having my tweet removed from my feed.

COLLINS, Emma Clare  --- Labour Party – misguided neo-socialist
 
GALE,  John Clifford --- UKIP --- Fascist racist banker party

PRICE, Tom --- Trade Unionist and Socialist Coalition – Self explanatory

SALAMAN Christopher Robin --- Liberal Democrat --- Wishy washy  party

SMITH David --- The Conservative Party –—Look after the Bankers Party

None of which seem to inspire. None of which actually say anything about themselves on the internet. None of which have knocked on my door and asked how they can represent my interests on the council.

The last time I had this level of choice was when I lived in Liverpool and had the option of BNP (Racist wankers) or Labour.  Of course Labour won that particular election but only by 4 votes or so. It’s like having to choose between horrible death by red hot nails being driven into your eyes and dying from an eye infection of red hot nails .

Every election I tell myself, the next time, I’m going to run. As an independent. Make a really good marketing campaign and actually put myself out there.

Its simple. Engage with your voters, convince them you’re not as bad as the others, make and keep promises and don’t be one of those tossers who tweet shit jokes and referee bollocks on Twitter all day. (Heaton-Harris, yes I mean you!). Actually engage with the electorate. Be accessible and accountable.

IMG_2351And so once more I open my offer to Mssrs Collins, Gale, Price, Salaman and Smith…get in touch. Speak to me. Let’s chat. Tell me what it is that makes you so deserving of my vote. We can do it over a pint in the White Horse in Norton or you can come and have a cup of tea with me, the cats and the missis. You can bring the press along too. Make a big deal of it. I’m sure the Daventry Express or Gusher as it is known in these parts would love the scoop. Barnsley Chronicle did (or at least they kept my letter to them on file for shits and giggles).

Tuesday 13 May 2014

European Elections

4978EUflag2014 is the year of European elections in the UK. There are also local elections taking place, which I will discuss in another entry.

The European Union is a fantastic idea on paper. Open borders, centralised law making, distributed wealth and a currency. In reality, as with all political things, its corrupt, bloated full of wasted opportunities and surrounded by those who want to kill it dead.

I’m very pro EU. Sorry, but I am. I’ve actually followed developments in Brussels and  I’ve embraced the positive changes that being a member of the EU has brought us over the years. I’ve looked on agape at the frequent attempts by the British government to hide positivity and smother democratic union by claiming to the electorate that they alone develop the policies handed over by Brussels.

breonI’ve seen and understood why and how Television sans Frontiers has tried to quell the swamping of European culture by American candy coated drivel. I’ve even watched Broen and Salamander.

I’ve crossed borders, lived in a city regenerated by large amounts of EU redevelopment funding and I’ve taken advantage of a health card that entitles me to healthcare in the EU. There are many other reasons why I am pro-EU. But this is not the place.

Sadly in the UK most people don’t feel any benefit from voting in EU elections. Which is a shame. It’s pretty much the same feeling that the Germans had in 1930. Apathy opens the door of doom and disaster.

In Daventry we fall under the East Midlands. In the East Midlands we have 9 possible political candidates to choose from. Dishearteningly, none appear to be openly pro-EU. The parties running this year are:

An Independence from Europe – Fascists

British National Party – Racists

Conservative Party – Bankers

English Democrats – Fascist racists

Green Party – Bunch of hippies

Harmony Party – Dictatorship

Labour Party – Populist Communists

Liberal Democrats – Liars that bend in the wind like sheaves of wheat

UKIP – Fascist Racist Bankers

Not much variety really. There is a choice of Fascists, dreamers or wankers. No wonder the UK is disenfranchised with the whole EU thing.  I truly believe that there needs to be a pro-EU party in the UK which none of the parties running seem to be. A party that extols the virtues of being in the EU.

Of course, long term readers will recall that usually during election time, I invite candidates to come to my house and tell me why I should vote for them. However, as these are parties in the European election, most of the people running don’t even live in the same area. So it’s highly unlikely that they’ll join me in the pub or even knock at my door. Besides, I don’t want to be seen in public with thugs, toffs or hippy types as it may damage my credibility. 

Chris Heaton-Harris is our local MP. He didn’t take me up on my offer at the last election. In fact he blocked me on Twitter for unknown reasons. Several elections before this, the local candidates didn’t take me up on the offer either. It’s almost as if they don’t want the free publicity or, for that matter, my vote. Our current MEPs are:

Which also doesn’t brew much in the way of hope.

Bundesarchiv_Bild_102-14439,_Rede_Adolf_Hitlers_zum_ErmächtigungsgesetzBut despite my concerns of being brushed with the same brand of tar as hippies, thugs and toffs by association, I am opening up my usual “Come and tell me why I should vote for you” offer to European Parliamentary Election candidates.

 

As for the lack of choice? Well I am concerned that we are heading back into an era of discontent and nationalism. The political conditions are Reich.

Saturday 10 May 2014

Eurovision 2014

This is the way I would rank this years acts.


1 Ukraine

2 Slovenia

3 Switzerland

4 Poland

5 The Netherlands

6 San Marino

7 Malta

8 Austria

9 Italy

10 Finland

11 UK

12 Russia

13 Belarus

14 Iceland

15 Romania

16 Norway

17 Montenegro

18 Armenia

19 Denmark

20 Hungary

21 Sweden

22 Azerbaijan

23 Germany

24 Spain

25 Greece

26 France




Eurovision 2014

This is the way I would rank this years acts.


1 Ukraine

2 Slovenia

3 Switzerland

4 Poland

5 The Netherlands

6 San Marino

7 Malta

8 Austria

9 Italy

10 Finland

11 UK

12 Russia

13 Belarus

14 Iceland

15 Romania

16 Norway

17 Montenegro

18 Armenia

19 Denmark

20 Hungary

21 Sweden

22 Azerbaijan

23 Germany

24 Spain

25 Greece

26 France